I am not entirely sure as to why however, no matter how old I am, I've always taken great pleasure and enjoyment when seeing my sister in either an embarrassing or difficult situations.

One such situation occurred this past weekend when we were all over at my folks place for the regular Sunday family dinner.

Sis was explaining to Mom and myself that her 8 year old son (my nephew) Mikey seems to have picked up a lot of bad habits and phrases lately.

"He is being so odd and disrespectful, Mom" Sis whined. "Even today when I told him to hurry up and get into the car so we could come over here; Mikey replied 'Ok, OK I'm coming, don't get your knickers in a twist'. I mean it is just not like him to be this way. I don't know where he is getting this all from and these sayings are so odd for a little boy."

I burst out laughing at this phrase however a sharp look from my mother reminded me that perhaps this was not the best time for laughter, at least not 'laughter out loud'.

"He must be picking this stuff up off the schoolyard." Sis speculated. "That's the only place where he can get it from. But I can't imagine from what kid. I thought I knew all of his friends but none of them are like this."

Just then my Dad and Mikey entered the kitchen heading towards the backdoor. We all could over-hear their conversation as they were putting their shoes on at the back porch.

"Lets go down to the 'old China-mans' store Grandpa." Mikey announced. "We can buy our ice cream there!"

"Ok" Dad responded cautiously. "Just be sure to count the change they give you back carefully, you know 'them people' are very clever in the math department. They've tried to 'Jew me' a number of times in the past, but I can always catch 'em."

"Always remember, you have to watch 'them people' - they can be as crooked as a 'dogs hind-leg' if you don't keep a close eye on em."

"No probs, Grampa" Mikey responded, sounding extremely confident. "Them people will need to get up pretty early in the morning before they Jew me."

With that, they departed as we all heard the screen door bang close behind them.

"I think I have a pretty good idea where young Mikey is picking up those nasty phrases from." Mom advised. It's clearly not another boy from his school. Certainly not with those types of expressions. It's a bad influence all right, not from another child on the school grounds but rather one who is closer to seventy years in age, that being your father!"

Sis looked completely shocked at this revelation. A hesitant and worried look filled her over-sized face.

I on the other hand, found this to be completely hilarious! Couldn't make up this stuff any better if I wanted to. This was great. But the evil side of me really needed to make things a little worse for Sis! (strictly for my own entertainment, of course!)

"That must be it Mom" Sis responded. "Now you mention it, he does sound a great deal like Dad with some of things he has been saying."

"Hey Sis" I interrupted. "What's it like having a kid who talks like a seventy year old man."? HAHA!!!

Once again I got the icy stare from Mom realizing that I should be perhaps a little more understanding in this awkward situation. However, I could not help it. This was way too funny.

"I guess I will have to talk with Dad about all this." Sis sighed, looking around the table uncomfortably.

Again I just couldn't help myself and had to add my cutting sarcasm to the mix.

"Well that shouldn't cause any problems at all Sis." I advised. "You telling Dad he is a bad influence on your son and HIS grandson. All I ask is that you just please let me be in the same room when you tell him this. I want a front row seat for that one."


Sis looked first annoyed and then terrified as my wise words finally sank in through that incredibly thick skull of hers. She quickly looked over to Mom for help.

"He's right, Mom." Sis whined. "If I bring this up to Dad he will definitely freak out. He will not want to hear he is a bad influence. You know what he can be like."

Before Mom could respond I quickly interjected by playing the devils advocate.

"Well if you mean Dad being a loving father and grandfather" I began. "Then yes, I do know exactly what he can be like. Or perhaps you mean something different? Remember this conversation may be both recorded and/or repeated by me at a later time for my own personal enjoyment. HAHA!"

I really loved this cheap entertainment at my sister's expense. She now looked completely uncomfortable and a total mess, even much more so then usual. I think I actually saw a tear however I could not be sure. I needed to continue my attack.

"Ya' know" I advised slowly. "This is kinda like that movie Freaky Friday where the Mom and the kid change places. I think it would have been much better if they would make this into a movie. A young kid taking on his elderly grandfathers angry and racist demeanour and sayings. Box Office gold, I say!! HAHA!! Where's Steven Spielberg when you need him! HAHA!"

Mom finally spoke up and responded "You let me take care of your father and you can have words with Mikey. I think that is the best approach to this little situation, nothing to worry about."

"And as for you" Mom turned in her chair and looked directly at me. "I don't want you making any more trouble out of this. You can see your poor sister is upset."

"Thanks Mom, I knew you could help!" Sis responded and then looking over at me made a nasty face and then stuck out her tongue. How bloody juvenile for a grown woman with 2 children.

"Just stop worrying dear" Mom replied. "Your father doesn't mean any harm, he only needs to be more careful in choosing his words around Mikey. He is at an impressionable age right now and picks up everything he sees & hears. I am sure everything will be fine."

Once again my entertainment was ruined. I kind of liked hearing all these phrases coming from both Dad and Mikey. It was amusing, well at least for me.

Oh well, Spielberg will just have to wait.

As irrational as it may sound, even though I am getting older in years, I still find it as difficult now to purchase condoms as I did many years ago when I was a teenager.

You all know what I'm taking about; johnnies, rubbers, prophylactics, sheaths, love socks, Willie warmers, Love gloves....(ok, I'm done) - but by whatever name you call it, I still find it a rather embarrassing venture whenever I need to buy these things.

I mean, I'd like to think that I am a responsible guy, so I buy them fairly regularly - I am just saying it is a little difficult to make the purchase. No idea why. It just is not an easy thing to do as the minute you take the package up to the counter, the sales clerk knows exactly what your future plans are, which I admit is far too personal for me.

So now when I buy these things, I always make it a point to go to a pharmacy or drug store which is no where close to my place and definitely no where even remotely close to my parents place. I mean, Damn, that has to be common sense to everyone.

Well this plan has worked relatively well for me up until last week when I went into this new drug store in the mall on the other end of town. I was actually in the mall shopping for a new suit when I realized it was also the perfect time to purchase another box of condoms.

Although I did not have any immediate plans for using these, it is always good to have them on hand in the event something comes 'up', so to speak. HAHA!!

Anyway, as I discretely grabbed the box off the shelf and hurried to the checkout counter, I suddenly realized the store had become rather busy with a large number of loud, giggling teenage girls and various other customers.

I really wanted to make a fast purchase and leave - for obvious reasons, but it definitely was not my lucky day as there was now a line-up at the counter.

A cold chill suddenly went down my spine as I heard my name being called and looked up and saw old Mrs. Cray waving at me from behind the counter. She apparently was the cashier here. Damn!

This was definitely not good as I had broke up with her daughter Leanne a couple years ago and had hoped I would never see the likes of any of that family again. I never had any feelings for Leanne, she had only been a temporary fling, as they call it. Just killing time at the time, was what it was. But really in the grand scheme of things, no harm done. And anyway, I think that whole family were all a bit unstable.

I honestly thought old Mrs. Cray would be in some nuthouse by now. She was going a bit funny years ago if I recall correctly. Leanne had told me that if her mother did not take her pills regularly, she would be prone to uncontrolled outbursts and outlandish remarks. I am not sure if it was true about the pills but I do know first hand she did have many embarrassing outbursts. I just prayed that today I would not be present to see another one.

I finally reached the front of the line and uneasily placed my box of condoms on the counter, hoping to make a hasty transaction and exit. Unfortunately this was not to be as crazy old Mrs. Cray seemed to want to have a little chat.

As the line behind me was beginning to grow longer, the old hag obliviously babbled on and on about her meaningless life as she painstakingly rang in my purchase. I politely nodded and smiled throughout the ordeal hoping this embarrassment would soon be over.

Then suddenly the group of teenage girls in the line behind me must have noticed what I was buying and started to snicker & comment about it and, as I turned around to look, I noticed there were two other people in line, all now apparently observing my private purchase.

As I was momentarily distracted, I heard old Mrs. Cray suddenly bellow out "These things are far, far too big for you. Let me find you something smaller - much smaller!"

I whirled around to see the old lady now walking away from behind the counter, my box of condoms in her hand. I couldn't believe it!

The girls in the line were now openly laughing out loud as I am sure my face must have turned ten shades of beet red. Even a distinguished looking businessman in the line was snickering at my horrific predicament.

I was now not only mad, I was enraged. Who the hell was this crazy old biddy to embarrass me with her blatant dirty lies - just because I dropped her daughter like a bad habit years ago?? Senile & vindictive old hag!

About a minute later (which seemed to me more like an hour, at least) the old lady finally returned.

"There you go" Mrs. Cray announced, handing me a bag. "I knew I saw some of those small bags sitting in the back. Sorry for the delay. And please say hello to your mother for me."

I then suddenly realized that the old woman was talking about the size of the bags she had at the counter and not my condoms. Now I felt a bit foolish for being so paranoid.

Actually, it was lucky for her that I had realized this misunderstanding before I began yelling at the old crone. I thought it best to leave the store before any more embarrassment & confusion on either side could occur.

"Thank you" I quickly responded; now slowly regaining my composure. "And say HI to Leanne for me."

The old woman unexpectedly stopped smiling and had a strange look in her eye. It seemed like her entire demeanour had suddenly changed.

"I certainly will NOT say hi to her from you." Mrs. Cray snarled, her face now twisted. "You broke my poor girls heart years ago and now you think you can just waltz back to her with your new box of prophylactics & suave manner trying to win her back. I don't think so! You've caused her enough damage. She is over you, has been for years, you filthy man! You leave her be! Call one of your hussies if you want to use those things!"

My jaw must have dropped to the floor as I had honestly not seen this unprovoked and complete insane verbal attack coming whatsoever. This woman was definitely mental.

I walked towards the exit of the store, shocked and now once again completely embarrassed, hearing the teenage girls continue cackling and laughing hysterically.

As I turned around, one suddenly yelled out 'WANKER' after me. Their laughter now erupted even louder than before.

I kept walking.

As I said earlier, I really hate buying condoms.