I mean I've had house (condo) parties before, and they have all been pretty good. But this one, well this one really outdid all the others combined.
This time I went all out....there was more then enough booze on hand; I made bloody sure of that. On top of this, there was enough fantastic food & snacks for an army and I even had a professional busboy / bartender on hand to serve.
OK, the term 'Professional' may be somewhat 'stretched a little' here. He's not exactly a 'professional' per se, being as he was my 10 year old nephew, Mikey. But he was extremely dedicated to the task and did a fine, no make that a 'damn good' job. And on top of all that, he worked for dirt cheap!
Part way through the evening, my friend Katie announced to everyone that Mikey makes the best margarita that she has ever had. Now her statement was not taken lightly as that's true praise indeed, she would definitely know being as she is a known to all as a raging booze hound.
But seriously, Mikey actually saved the party by doing almost everything including: pouring and mixing drinks, cleaning glasses and keeping the whole place organized. I paid him a few bucks and he also had a little 'tip jar' on the bar, where he definitely made quite a few 'gratuities'.
I was meant to be babysitting my nephew only for Saturday afternoon but soon realized that my party was fast approaching in a couple of hours & I still had loads of preparations to get done. Being the quick thinking individual I am, I hired young Mikey to help out. He was ecstatic and soon was on the phone to his Mom (my stupid sister) and told her he would be staying the night at my place as we had a full day planned.
I made sure to advise him to tell her as few details as possible as she would never agree otherwise being as she is a huge buzz-kill and over-reacts at the drop of a hat. Yes, a 'need to know' policy is always best whenever she is involved.
After that everything was simple. I gave Mikey my bartenders guide to study, showed him how to use the blender and to mix a few drinks and being the smart kid he is, he took to it like a duck to water!
Anyway, things could not have gone better. It was my first barbeque party of the year & everything went off great without a hitch. I dropped off young Mikey early on Sunday morning and all was well within the world, or so I thought.
YouTube Video - Tequila is Good for You!
Unfortunately all of that changed in the flick of an instance when I walked into my parents’ kitchen later that afternoon for our regular family dinner. I knew instantly that something must have gone wrong. Very wrong.
Sis was already there sitting at the kitchen table with Mom and they both turned & greeted me with cold, angry expressions. Both had their arms crossed in front of them. These things were never a good sign.
Clearly Sis had intentionally arrived early to our parents’ home to try and convince Mom to be against poor me. As usual, I was the true victim here and did not even know the reason why. Not until now anyways.
Of course all of my regular readers are well aware that Sis is continually trying to create conflict between myself and our parents. Always has, even when we were kids. She is just so ridiculous; I mean we are all adults now. I'm a grown man. I really don’t care what my parents say or do...well actually, I do.
Not entirely sure why, but I do care what my parents say, even now & Sis knows this. She knows this is my weakness, my kryptonite & she uses it at every opportunity....what a filthy hag!
Before I could even begin to speak, Sis was on me in a verbal rage.
"How utterly irresponsible are you?" Sis began, her eyes narrowed. "Having a wild party with booze and whores in front of my son? Your own 10 year old nephew? Have you completely lost your mind?"
"Don't be such a hysterical drama queen" I responded casually, hoping to diffuse this situation before it even got started. However, I quickly realized that by this time it was already too late.
"No, you listen to what your sister has to say." Mom interjected in a firm tone. "You have acted undependable in the past, but this is too much. Mikey looks up to you and your behaviour is teaching him a very bad lesson."
I dejectedly plopped myself down in the kitchen chair beside Dad, who had wisely buried his head in his newspaper, and silently took the verbal onslaught from both Mom & Sis for the next five minutes, hoping it would soon fizzle out. But sadly for me, it just kept going on & on.
My sister then proceeded with a long laundry list of offences which she obviously had committed to memory.
"Mikey told me that drunken cop friend of yours, John, was even letting him play with a gun, an actual real gun!" Sis accused angrily. "I mean, how completely reckless are you?"
"Mikey wasn't playing with it, only looking. John just showed it to him." I responded defensively. "Anyway, the thing wasn't even loaded."
"Humph!" Sis snarled back, with the wave of a hand. "It's too bad that I can't say the same thing about the two of you. Both pissed drunk, I'm quite sure."
"And knives, Mikey said you let him use your razor sharp Ginsu knives" Sis ranted on, her voice cracking as she pronounced the word 'Ginsu'. "I don't let him use any knives at his age without being right there beside him to supervise. And never a sharp one."
"I was right there & I did show him." I replied, still remaining my cool, calm & collected self. "I do agree I probably should have taught him better though. The lemon & lime wedges for the drinks were cut far too big. Had to go out halfway through the night to buy more lemons. Can't run out of lemons during my Mexican Tequila night. HAHA!
I think that thankfully both Mom & Sis had finally tired themselves out as there was finally no angry retort to my statement. I silently hoped the storm had finally blown over & it was now time for me to do a little damage control.
"OK, it’s easy to criticize now." I began. "And in hindsight, we can all perhaps see the foolishness of some decisions which may or may not have been made last night. I think now the important thing is we all agree on this and no finger pointing is involved. We can all learn a little from this. Case closed!"
Unfortunately, I think that I may have mis-read the situation a bit by stating 'case closed', as after I had just finished my last statement, the verbal attacks began fresh once again.
"Mikey said you even had a bunch of drunk skanky girls staying over the entire night" Sis charged, her face now contorted with an angry snarl. "What the Hell kind of message are you sending to a 10 year old little boy with that?"
This was the first opening I had in this unprovoked attack by my slow-witted sister. An opening which I was certainly was not going to let pass by.
"Message" I growled back. "A damn good message in my books. That being 'drinking and driving is always totally unacceptable'. If I am guilty of anything, which I proudly admit to, is that I am guilty of being a good host. Took everyone’s car keys away. I even pointed this out so Mikey knew. HA!"
I was quite pleased with myself for finally getting in a good retort but knew I better not stop there. Much like a boxer in the ring, I realized that in this situation that the best defence is a strong offense!
"And on top of all this, Mikey was learning a number of valuable life lessons last night." I continued, now beginning to climb on my soapbox. "He was bartending, busboy, cook....these are all true life skills which will stick with him forever. All the other kids his age are wasting there lives playing stupid video games. We are all raising a new generation of 'namby-pambies, useless to the world. I'd say it's quite lucky you people even have me around to prevent this. Teach them young and then they know!"
But Sis was either too deaf or too dumb (or both) to even respond to my flawless logic. She just stared at me for a moment and then continued to blather on.
"Normally if I knew of someone so irresponsible was around the kids, I would ban them completely." Sis advised. "But for some unknown reason both Emma & Mikey seem to idolize you. I can't figure out why, but they do. So all I ask is for you to act normal around them. Act the adult. No more boozing and whoring."
Then Mom broke in stating "When you are in charge of the children you must be more responsible and certainly more of a role model to them. No more of these shenanigans. I think that's not too much to ask."
I knew I was almost beaten. The arguments were simply going in circles without logic. My last & only hope was to get Dad involved. I was pretty sure he would agree with me. We men always stick together.
"Dad, Dad" I pleaded, looking over towards him. "What are your thoughts on all of this. Just teaching young Mikey some good life lessons. No harm, no foul, right?"
But my father was far too wise to get involved in any of the nonsense this afternoon. Pretending to still be reading the newspaper, he briefly looked over the top of it and half-heartedly muttered, "No shenanigans, listen to your Mother" and with that little gem of wisdom, he then immediately disappeared back behind his newspaper.
His comments were completely & totally useless. Damn, I was definitely on my own.
The rest of the afternoon (and part of the evening) was spent pretty much reviewing my reckless lifestyle and hearing what a huge disappointment I am to everyone. Sis conveniently seemed to be able to recall every possible infraction I had ever done bad since the age of 4.
I thought it best to simply remain silent and just take this unjust punishment until after dinner when I finally able to make a quick beeline to the door and left, a beaten man.
As I drove home that evening, I reflected on everyone’s' words and still came back to the conclusion that both Mom and Sis are just over-reacting to all of these things, nothing more. They simply don't like to admit Mikey is getting older and growing up.
As I tried to put all of this ugliness out of my brain for the evening, a horrible thought suddenly jolted me into a realization!
When things were going so well last night during my party, I proudly stood up on my living room table (wearing a sombrero, of course) and announced that I would be holding another party in a couple of weeks. This proclamation was greeted with a very strong positive reaction from all of my guests, so they will all be back in a couple of weeks.
"Crap, what am I going to do now?" I said to myself. "I have another Tequila party night planned & where will I find a busboy and bartender who will work so hard & as cheap as Mikey?"
I pondered this thought for only about five seconds before realizing the answer was obvious.
"Hmmm, this whole nasty situation today will pretty much be blown over & forgotten in a day or two, I am guessing. I'll just wait a bit and then check with Mikey in a few days!"
Brilliant! I am a Brilliant, Brilliant man! Ole!