Picture's of You

I was over at my parent's house this past Sunday for the usual weekly gathering for dinner. Dad and myself were sitting at the kitchen table casually reading the Sunday paper and Mom was preparing a nice turkey dinner. It was one of those enjoyable, relaxing and peaceful afternoons that I usually look forward to after a long & hard week.

Dad suddenly broke the silence by remarking on a photograph in the section of newspaper he was reading. Apparently there was a good picture of the new female candidate running to be Vice-President.

"She looks to be a very handsome woman." Dad advised, holding up the picture in the newspaper.

"Yes, she's a real MILF " I exclaimed aloud, momentarily forgetting that I was both in the same room and also talking to my elderly parents.

MILF?  What's a MILF?   Dad enquired curiously, putting down his evening paper and folding it carefully back up. "I don't think I have ever heard this expression before."

I am by nature a very honest individual who rarely lies, however I quickly realized that both my Mom and Dad were probably not the best audience to give a complete & accurate definition of this term to. (although you can find it here from Urban dictionary - Click Here).

No, that really would not go over well so I needed to think fast and come up with a somewhat 'more appropriate' and less offensive definition to answer my unsuspecting fathers' inquiry.

Well that stands for 'Modern, Intelligent, Likable Female', it is one of those newer acronyms that has creeped into our everyday language." I responded sounding rather pleased with myself over my quick-thinking and rather excellent response.

"I like that." Mom suddenly interjected to both Dad's & my surprise. We were not even aware she was listening to our conversation.

"I will certainly remember this new word, MILF." Mom announced proudly. "This is a good word for women rights in this day & age - MILF." she repeated again aloud, as I cringed as she said it.

"You know" Mom continued. "Now I think of it, we have a lot of MILF's down at the church. You should really participate a little bit more and meet these wonderful girls. You never know what they could teach you and maybe you would hit it off with one of them."

"One of the problems in this world is generations don't speak with each other. Learning the younger peoples phrases will help bridge this." Mom explained.

I was definitely starting to regret my 'made up definition' of this term, as Mom seemed to be blurting it out in almost every second sentence she spoke.

"Mary Thompson" Mom began. "Now, there's a real MILF for you, if I ever met one. She's younger than me, only 68 years old I think, but a real modern women, oh sorry, a real MILF if I ever knew one."

I almost vomited on the spot thinking of my mothers aged friend Mary Thompson and the word MILF being used in the same sentence. The imagery alone was horrible. I needed to sit down and steer this revolting conversation as far away from where we were that I could.

Just then my stupid, trouble-making & nosey sister arrived and bounded into the kitchen in her usual 'overly dramatic & attention-seeking' manner.

"So what am I missing?" Sis asked in her annoying and curious tone. "What are you guys all talking about so interestingly?"

Before I could reply and attempt to change the subject, my Mother piped in quickly.

"We were just listing all the MILF's we know. Your brother introduced us to this new modern slang word which I had never heard before."

Sis briefly looked at me with an evil and twisted grin on her face. A small chill went down my spine, as I knew she potentially could cause me some trouble over this unfortunate misunderstanding I had gotten myself in. Luckily for me I don't think she was listening too closely as she immediately changed the subject to whatever meaningless topic was on her little mind this afternoon.

"Dad" Sis asked, suddenly sounding sickeningly sweet. "I uploaded all the pictures of you and Mom and the kids onto our web page if you would like to see them. It took me most of the morning. Would you like to turn on your computer and have a look?"

With that both Dad and Sis disappeared into his computer room and I breathed a heavy sigh of relief for dodging yet another bullet in life.

About 5 minutes or so later I suddenly heard Dad bellowing out loud from the other room "Boy, you better get yourself in here!"

I slowly put down Dad's newspaper and went into the computer room assuming I was needed to resolve yet another one of his many 'issues' with the 'Damn PC', as he often put it.

As I entered the room I immediately noticed the web site of "Urban Dictionary" open and on it was the dictionary definitions for the word 'MILF' (it was the same page as I indicated at the beginning of this entry).


Dad had a look of disgust on his face and my stupid Sister was grinning from ear to ear. Obviously this all was her doings.

"It seems like the definition for this word you have told us about is a little different than what I am reading." Dad announced, impatiently tapping his index finger on the computer screen. "Do you have an explanation?"

I knew once again I needed to think fast otherwise I would be in even more trouble with Dad than I already apparently was. I leaned closer to the screen and pretended to read the definitions.

"Hmmph" I began slowly, feigning outrage. "This is disgusting, Dad. I am as shocked as you are by this definition. I had no idea. It always meant 'Modern, Intelligent, Likable Female' from my understanding. It seems my dear sister here is a little bit more current with these types of filthy and degrading terms than I am. In fact, I bet it is probably her generation that changed the meaning of this word."

Before Dad could respond to my exceptionally good speech, Sis interrupted by stating in a very whiney tone "What do you mean by 'my generation'? I am only 1 year younger than you are, you pig!"

Dad quickly jumped in and announced "I am not looking for an apology or anything else from you boy. All I want from you is to march back into that kitchen and make sure your poor Mother stops using that dirty word. If she starts saying it all over town as frequently as she has been in the past half hour, we will be run out of town for indecency. Now get back in there and do the right thing or I'll go do it on your behalf."

As I turned around to leave the room & go tell Mom, Sis threw my fathers foam stress ball at me, hitting me in the back of the head. "Pig" she called out once again towards me, the evil and twisted grin back on her horrible, fat face.

I both love and hate my sister on different days throughout my lifetime. Today unfortunately for me was a 'hate day'. Showing Dad that stupid definition, only causes me grief, which was obviously her mean & evil intent. One day I will get even with her for this.

I returned to the kitchen as Mom was just putting the turkey back in the over. We would be eating in about 45 minutes she announced to me. Then she asked me just a horrible, horrible question.

"Do you think your sister is a MILF, dear?" She asked innocently still believing my original definition to be correct. I realized at this point that Dad was right and I really needed to put an end to all this quickly.

"Mom" I began. "I just found out that this word does not mean what I thought it did. You better not use it any more."

"Whatever does it mean, dear? It certainly can't be that bad?" Mom responded, now giving me her full attention.

"Well it is quite bad and really very degrading to women, Mom" I replied. "Apparently Sis is very knowledgeable with this vile term and showed us on the computer what it meant. She seems to know all these kinds of words. I think she probably uses them all so often each day, this is why she is so familiar with them. I personally was horrified when she showed us, but it seems the word now has a different meaning then what I thought it had from my day."

"Well thank you for telling me, Son." Mom replied. "If it is a term which is degrading to women I am not even interested in knowing what it means. I don't go for that kind of stuff."

Mom then continued.

"But if the meaning has changed in the last few years, you can't be blamed." Mom advised in her normal soothing tone. "There are lots of words that have had their meanings change over the years. Like the word 'Tramp' use to mean a beggar or Hobo, and the word 'gay' well that just meant that one was happy or carefree. These words have much different meanings now as you know. So don't blame yourself for getting mixed up. I often wish we were back in the old days, they were much less complicated times than today."

As Mom said these last sentences aloud, a brilliant idea entered my head. I would not need to wait another day to get even with my trouble-making sister, payback would be much more immediate - it would be now.

About a minute later Sis came into the kitchen obviously hoping to find me being scolded by Mom over the incident however when she heard us talking quietly, she rudely interrupted.

"What are you two talking about?" She so crudely asked. It was the perfect opening line to set my plan in motion.

"We were just talking about the 'old days' is all. It wouldn't interest you." I replied to her dryly. "I was about to tell Mom that I missed the old days too, when I was just so young and gay."

I put emphasis on the last word; just to make sure Sis heard it correctly. I then just sat back in my chair, waiting for her predictable reaction. It took only seconds.

Sis burst out laughing hysterically "HA, HA, HA....gay is right.....HA, HA. You gay...HAHA"

"See Mom" I yelled out, pointing an accusing finger at Sis who was still laughing. "I told you she knows all these disgusting words and phrases. Obviously from using them so frequently. A person cannot even talk around her without her twisting the meaning of what they are saying. We can't talk around her. I'm not saying another word."

Finally Sis stopped laughing as she saw our Mother's angry expression and slowly realized that I was trying to get her in trouble.

"Shut up, you Damn Pig" she spat towards me, but her defence was far too little, too late.

"See Mom" I continued. "She cannot even sit here without using some kind of hateful words. She is ruining English for all of us!"

I then sat back down at the kitchen table and watched as Mom began to lecture & reprimand Sis.

"Really for a grown up woman with two young children you should talk more sensible." Mom chastised. "Laughing at words like a juvenile. It's not right. You know quite well what your brother meant. You should be more like him and more responsible."

"That went well." I thought to myself after their talk had finally concluded. Sis had silently skulked out of the kitchen like a beaten & scalded dog, disappearing into the front room and Mom went back to preparing our big dinner.

The room was now once again quiet and peaceful. The aroma of fresh cooked turkey, stuffing and potatoes filled the air.

This has turned out to be a really great afternoon.

I then opened Dad's newspaper again, turned to the political news and photos, and continued to read more about the MILF.