Drive My Car

Back in December I wrote about unwittingly finding myself on the email distribution list of both my retired father and his politically incorrect buddy, Pete. ( Read story Here )

As a result of this, I frequently find my poor inbox filled with their supposed 'humorous' stories and anecdotes about life that are usually nothing more than a collection of pointless or racist stories involving some poor, unsuspecting person being the brunt of another's cruel joke.

Their stories frequently have all of those characteristics combined into them in some manner however the one thing they rarely are is even remotely humorous. At least not to me.

I have pretty much given up asking them to stop emailing me as my requests always fall on deaf ears and also usually lead to an unwanted tirade coming from my hot-headed father accusing me of being 'hoity-toity', 'snobbish' or some other completely foolish denouncement.

Anyway the latest of their 'humour' hit my inbox this morning. The email read as follows:

Here's something Pete sent to me and I immediately thought of that 'flatfoot' cop friend of yours, John. Pass it on to him, maybe he may finally get a promotion.

Recently, during a routine patrol, a police officer was parked down the street outside a popular bar, just off the main street of a small town. After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the bar. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man finally managed to find his car, which he literally fell into. He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off. Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a clear, dry summer evening) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights. He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was now completely empty, he began to pull out of the parking lot and about to drive down the road. The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his police car, flicked on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyser test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. This breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I really doubt it," replied the drunk who now appeared to be completely sober in every way. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

This past Sunday when I was over at my folks for dinner, Dad brought up the email you just read above.

"I hope you gave that email to that cop friend of yours." Dad advised. "Although it is meant as a laugh, I'd wager a few people these days try pull a fast one like this on these lazy cops. Tell him to let all the other cops know about this trick. I bet they'll catch quite a few drunken drivers as a result."


I sat in silence for a moment, not really wanting to even respond to Dad's ridiculous statements however it was clear he expected some kind of answer as he had stopped eating and was staring at me intently.

"You don't really expect John to take that down to his work, do you?" I finally replied, picking my words very carefully. "I mean, It is obviously meant just as a joke."

"Joke or no joke, there is some truth in the story." Dad snapped back. "And with the drunk driving statistics increasing every year, I would think the police department would want as much help as they can get from the public. That's why Pete sent it out to everyone."

"Yes" I responded sarcastically. "There is nothing a police officer likes more then to be told how to do his job. Especially from the general public who have no law enforcement or legal knowledge whatsoever.

Dad gave me a long & silent icy glare and then replied.

"Well I think you're wrong boy." Dad declared. "Pete is just going to have to ring 'em up and tell them this. Of course your friend won't get any recognition. The cops will be damn grateful to listen to a pillar of the community like 'Old Pete'."

Thankfully Mom finally spoke up to wind this uncomfortable conversation down to a close.

"Old Pete, a pillar of the community?" Mom repeated, mockingly. "God save us all if that foolish old boozer is a pillar of anything."

With Mom now as an ally, Dad knew he was beaten and the conversation was over. His only response was some incoherent swearing under his breath, however he did not mention the stupid email again that evening.

I really love our weekly Sunday family dinners.