Ain't Talkin' Bout Love

As irrational as it may sound, even though I am getting older in years, I still find it as difficult now to purchase condoms as I did many years ago when I was a teenager.

You all know what I'm taking about; johnnies, rubbers, prophylactics, sheaths, love socks, Willie warmers, Love gloves....(ok, I'm done) - but by whatever name you call it, I still find it a rather embarrassing venture whenever I need to buy these things.

I mean, I'd like to think that I am a responsible guy, so I buy them fairly regularly - I am just saying it is a little difficult to make the purchase. No idea why. It just is not an easy thing to do as the minute you take the package up to the counter, the sales clerk knows exactly what your future plans are, which I admit is far too personal for me.

So now when I buy these things, I always make it a point to go to a pharmacy or drug store which is no where close to my place and definitely no where even remotely close to my parents place. I mean, Damn, that has to be common sense to everyone.

Well this plan has worked relatively well for me up until last week when I went into this new drug store in the mall on the other end of town. I was actually in the mall shopping for a new suit when I realized it was also the perfect time to purchase another box of condoms.

Although I did not have any immediate plans for using these, it is always good to have them on hand in the event something comes 'up', so to speak. HAHA!!

Anyway, as I discretely grabbed the box off the shelf and hurried to the checkout counter, I suddenly realized the store had become rather busy with a large number of loud, giggling teenage girls and various other customers.

I really wanted to make a fast purchase and leave - for obvious reasons, but it definitely was not my lucky day as there was now a line-up at the counter.

A cold chill suddenly went down my spine as I heard my name being called and looked up and saw old Mrs. Cray waving at me from behind the counter. She apparently was the cashier here. Damn!

This was definitely not good as I had broke up with her daughter Leanne a couple years ago and had hoped I would never see the likes of any of that family again. I never had any feelings for Leanne, she had only been a temporary fling, as they call it. Just killing time at the time, was what it was. But really in the grand scheme of things, no harm done. And anyway, I think that whole family were all a bit unstable.

I honestly thought old Mrs. Cray would be in some nuthouse by now. She was going a bit funny years ago if I recall correctly. Leanne had told me that if her mother did not take her pills regularly, she would be prone to uncontrolled outbursts and outlandish remarks. I am not sure if it was true about the pills but I do know first hand she did have many embarrassing outbursts. I just prayed that today I would not be present to see another one.

I finally reached the front of the line and uneasily placed my box of condoms on the counter, hoping to make a hasty transaction and exit. Unfortunately this was not to be as crazy old Mrs. Cray seemed to want to have a little chat.

As the line behind me was beginning to grow longer, the old hag obliviously babbled on and on about her meaningless life as she painstakingly rang in my purchase. I politely nodded and smiled throughout the ordeal hoping this embarrassment would soon be over.

Then suddenly the group of teenage girls in the line behind me must have noticed what I was buying and started to snicker & comment about it and, as I turned around to look, I noticed there were two other people in line, all now apparently observing my private purchase.

As I was momentarily distracted, I heard old Mrs. Cray suddenly bellow out "These things are far, far too big for you. Let me find you something smaller - much smaller!"

I whirled around to see the old lady now walking away from behind the counter, my box of condoms in her hand. I couldn't believe it!

The girls in the line were now openly laughing out loud as I am sure my face must have turned ten shades of beet red. Even a distinguished looking businessman in the line was snickering at my horrific predicament.

I was now not only mad, I was enraged. Who the hell was this crazy old biddy to embarrass me with her blatant dirty lies - just because I dropped her daughter like a bad habit years ago?? Senile & vindictive old hag!

About a minute later (which seemed to me more like an hour, at least) the old lady finally returned.

"There you go" Mrs. Cray announced, handing me a bag. "I knew I saw some of those small bags sitting in the back. Sorry for the delay. And please say hello to your mother for me."

I then suddenly realized that the old woman was talking about the size of the bags she had at the counter and not my condoms. Now I felt a bit foolish for being so paranoid.

Actually, it was lucky for her that I had realized this misunderstanding before I began yelling at the old crone. I thought it best to leave the store before any more embarrassment & confusion on either side could occur.

"Thank you" I quickly responded; now slowly regaining my composure. "And say HI to Leanne for me."

The old woman unexpectedly stopped smiling and had a strange look in her eye. It seemed like her entire demeanour had suddenly changed.

"I certainly will NOT say hi to her from you." Mrs. Cray snarled, her face now twisted. "You broke my poor girls heart years ago and now you think you can just waltz back to her with your new box of prophylactics & suave manner trying to win her back. I don't think so! You've caused her enough damage. She is over you, has been for years, you filthy man! You leave her be! Call one of your hussies if you want to use those things!"

My jaw must have dropped to the floor as I had honestly not seen this unprovoked and complete insane verbal attack coming whatsoever. This woman was definitely mental.

I walked towards the exit of the store, shocked and now once again completely embarrassed, hearing the teenage girls continue cackling and laughing hysterically.

As I turned around, one suddenly yelled out 'WANKER' after me. Their laughter now erupted even louder than before.

I kept walking.

As I said earlier, I really hate buying condoms.