I almost very foolishly & unintentionally let my 'Secret Life as a Blogger' out a few weeks back.
My writings in this blog have been a well guarded secret for many years to both my friends and family.
This has been done intentionally so I could always write freely & detail the events as how they actually happened instead of trying to save peoples egos & feelings and post something that people would prefer to see.
I have always maintained that if anyone I know was aware of this blog, EVERYONE I know would soon also be made aware of it, as word travels pretty fast. This would not be a particularly good thing for me, not in the least!
This all unfolded back on a warm & rather relaxing Saturday afternoon at the start of June.
I was with my good friends John and Damian, sitting on the patio of a new downtown restaurant enjoying an early lunch.
The conversation was jumping around to the usual things that interest us: booze, women, sports and humorous anecdotes about people we know.
I had just finished telling the guys yet another funny story about my crazy family when suddenly Damian put down his knife and fork and looked over at me.
"Ya know" He began. "You should write a book with all these stories you always have. Out of anyone I know you have the funniest life and situations. It would be a best seller!"
"A book" I responded, laughingly. "I can't write. Damn it, I can barely speak English sometimes for that matter & that's the only language I know!"
"Anyone can write." John responded. "Look at the author Mary Shelley, she wrote the novel Frankenstein at age 17. There are thousands of authors out there that have no formal training or background in writing. If they can do it, you sure as Hell could!"
I quickly tried to change the subject by muttering that I actually have 'a life' and no time for such nonsense, in hopes the topic would be dropped, however Damian had a fast comeback.
"No time" Damian replied mockingly. "If that's the only thing holding you back you could start to write a blog. You could do Blog Postings about your life. Writing a blog, well that takes absolutely no skill whatsoever, hardly any time and it's free."
I opened my mouth and was about to explain that I'd been keeping a diary for a years which I regularly transpose into a blog. This blog! Maintaining a blog is certainly nothing new to me.
Thank goodness common sense prevailed and I immediately shut my big mouth before saying anything whatsoever about this blog.
Now as a rule, I don't like lying but in this situation there was certainly no way around it. I wasn't about to tell my best friends or anyone else I know, about this blog. A blog I have been writing for years and have probably insulted or offended everyone in my life - either intentionally in most cases or unintentionally in others.
No, I don't need friends reading something I wrote about them years ago and getting mad at me today, that type of aggravation is not worth it.
"Well No" I responded, in a dismissive tone. "Blogging is just not for me, and anyway I have absolutely nothing to write or to blog about."
"Sure you do" John interjected. "What about the time your Dad and his buddy thought the neighbours were growing WEED in their back yard? Or the time your family bought you that 'God-Awful' Chimpanzee artwork for your birthday?"
We all started laughing as we recalled these instances. In fact I had actually written about both of those insane events, which you can find HERE and HERE
"Or the time your Dad got the $200 buck speeding ticket from that speed trap" Damian offered. "He was sure angry at the cops, eh John? HAHA!"
I actually haven't (yet) written about that incident however, as I now recall, my Dad was continually complaining to John (who is a police officer here in town) about the ticket for months & months.
"Yeah, how could I forget that!" John laughed. "Every time your Dad saw me he'd call me and every other officer a 'Lazy, donut-eating Flat-foot who intentionally target the elderly', and he meant it, he was furious."
"Well if it's any consolation to you now" I began. "He stopped calling you that a few weeks ago. Now my Dad's referring to you as a 'Dirty Cop who is on the Take' because you're driving a brand new car!"
Damian burst out laughing at this revelation and I quickly joined in, much to poor Johns' assurances to the contrary.
"What!" John protested, laughingly. "Didn't you explain to him that I also have a large three year bank loan to pay off that damn vehicle?"
"Yeah, I told him that but he was not too interested in hearing about that. He claims that 'A dirty cop always knows how to cover their own tracks.'
"See that's yet another story you could write about. It never ends with you, does it?" Damian pointed out, laughingly.
After a few more minutes of other humorous stories John looked at his watch and exclaimed he had to get going as he was on duty for the afternoon shift, starting at 3 PM.
"I imagine I will meet up with both you two gentleman later at the pub around 11 PM after work?" He asked.
"Of course." I replied. "Hockey playoffs on the big screen tonight. We'll be there all night & plan to shut down the place. The Guinness will be flowing!"
(Random Funny YouTube Video)
"Perfect, I'll see you then." John replied, as he stood up. "Now if you will both excuse me I've got a few kickbacks, shakedowns and bribes to take in order to pay off that damn expensive new Jeep sitting out in the parking lot. HAHA"
As I was driving home after lunch and reflecting on the lunchtime conversation above, I couldn't help feeling a little guilty about lying about my blog to the guys.
I suddenly remembered my 10 year old nephew Mikey using the kids rhyme of 'Liar, Liar pants on fire'.
That rhyme repeated over & over in my head all the way home. I hate lying and even more so, I hate liars.
Then I thought about this a little bit more. I actually lie a lot:
- - I just lied this afternoon about blogging to my 2 very good friends
- - I've lied to my parents about having other appointments if they invite me over for an evening that I am not interested in
- - I've lied to women, pretty much my entire life, in order to try and get what I want
Seems I am guilty of the very things I claim to hate. I'm the biggest hypocrite there is. Say one thing and then do another. Hmmm, this is definitely a wakeup call - food for thought for sure.
"I'll have to make a point to change my ways" I said to myself, pretty much realizing that I was probably lying to myself right now as well.
'Liar, Liar pants on fire'
As I was stopped at the red light, I quickly glanced down to see if my pants were on fire.
They were not.
Well not yet anyway.
This will be the final entry for my blogging season.
I've still got loads of things to write about as my life tends to be surprisingly rather eventful these days however the timing is just not working out.
My sporadic blog posts seem to be confusing my readers as well as myself - so its time for us all to take a break, slow down and enjoy.
I'll keep in touch through my Twitter feed where you can still catch up on things & read my very clever & extremely witty observations.
(Disclaimer: Sober tweets will undoubtedly be few & far between)