Another One Bites the Dust

My life seems to be getting back to the insanity of which I am accustomed to. This past Sunday afternoon when I was visiting my parents is a prime example of this.

I was just getting ready to go home after a rare calm visit & rather excellent lunch when 'it' happened. Mom asked me to 'run an errand' for her.

"Phil Miller passed away last week and I was unable to attend the funeral yesterday." Mom advised, continuing. "I called his wife poor Meredith, and told her that I would drop off a little something today, just to extend our sympathies. I was hoping that on your way home you could pop in and drop off this tuna casserole I made for the family."

Now usually a simple request from my mother to drop off something would be no problem, I would comply in an instant. However I dated Tina Miller, who is the late Phil Miller's daughter, many years ago just after high school. We went out for a couple of weeks and had a rather 'messy break-up' for lack of a better phrase. I really had no desire to ever lay eyes on that woman again.

"Mom, you do recall I dated his crazy daughter Tina years ago?" I asked, hoping to tweak my Mom's memory into the entire situation. "Remember, she is really crazy." I added, hoping Mom would tell me not to bother going over.

Many years ago when Tina and myself broke up after only a couple weeks of dating, I was sure my mother would eventually hear about how terrible a guy I was, so I 'kind of, sort of' lied & told Mom that we broke up because Tina was a real clingy and unstable girl. It seemed to work for the time and I went along my merry way to date many more hot and beautiful women during that year.

The truth of the matter, which I obviously could not tell my own dear Mother, was that Tina was a bit of an old fashioned girl in a new world order. In other words, she was a girl that wanted to wait until marriage to produce 'the goods'. I mean how crazy was that? I don't even buy a pair of sneakers without trying them out first!

So we broke up and poor little Tina was devastated and called me a pervert. Just to have the last word, I angrily informed her that she was a completely useless girl and that her father, a man with a high pitched squeaky voice, reminded me of an old lesbian and in addition to that, his breasts were much bigger than hers.

In truth, they actually were. Her old father 'Man-Breasts Miller' was a rather rotund & husky fellow, and always running around the house half naked, shaking himself and displaying his obese 'business' to anyone and everyone.

Now before I go on, I must point out that I was young then and that these were not especially proud days for me when I look back at them, but at the time it seemed to be the right thing to do.

Now poor old Phil Miller has passed away. The man I mocked openly and referred to as 'Man-Breasts Miller' was now dead.

Despite my better feelings, I apprehensively headed over to the Miller's home, tuna casserole in hand, to pass on my families condolences.

I really hoped that Tina had totally forgotten about our entire nasty break-up or better yet, forgot that we even went out to begin with, since it had been so many years ago. Mom reassured me that after all these years, any ill will was now 'water under the bridge'.

I arrived at the Miller's home and Tina answered the door. She greeted me quietly & ushered me in. I was then introduced to her mother - the Widow Miller, some non-descript Aunts, Uncles, cousins, friends, etc. which seemed to total about 10, all in mourning and shuffling aimlessly about the house.

As they had only buried Old 'Man-Breasts' er...rather, Mr. Miller the day before, I did not think that this wake was anything out of the ordinary. I was asked to sit down and did, blending in with the other mourners.

They were looking at old photographs and reminiscing about Phil Miller in hushed saddened voices when suddenly Tina came into the room and announced that she wanted to show us all an old video of her father on his 50th birthday party.

"Those were very special and happy days for my Daddy", Tina informed everyone. As she started the video, she turned to me & gave me a very odd look. I felt a cold chill run down my spine momentarily.

I vaguely recall that I had attended one of his stupid birthday parties years ago and they certainly didn't seem very special to me in the least.

The video started and there he was lying in lawn chair with a ridiculous birthday hat on, half naked with his big belly hanging out and his oversized man-breasts displayed to the world.

I started to chuckle at this silently, but being that this seemed somewhat inappropriate on this day, I controlled myself.

He then turned to the screen and in his high-pitched, effeminate & squeaky voice, asked whomever was operating the camera to bring him another beer.

The person filming this crap put down the camera which was still recording, and went off to apparently fetch a beverage for the demanding Phil Miller.

The next couple of minutes of the tape were super boring, just guests talking and joking back and forth as Phil Miller lay in his lawn chair enjoying his birthday.

Then suddenly my heart almost leapt out of my chest.

The video was still recording and there I was on the screen walking into view with my old buddy Jerry. I looked much skinnier and younger then I do now, with flowing long hair.

Both Jerry and myself looked quite drunk as we sat down totally unaware that an unmanned movie camera was only a couple of feet away and recording our every word for posterity.

"Look at that flaming old fruit." I commented bitterly, gesturing to old Phil Miller. "Once I nail his bitchy daughter this weekend I hope to never have to lay eyes on that loud mouth freak again or his frigid daughter."

Phil Miller then began singing in his shrill annoying voice on the tape and as I watched it today, I could not control myself any longer. Even though I was surrounded by somber faced mourners, I just burst out laughing uncontrollably - it was certainly not my best moment....but in fairness to me, he did sound like an old lesbian.

I hoped that everyone in the room today did not notice me laughing in the corner as I was watching this video nor had they recognized my voice which could be perceived as making somewhat inappropriate remarks.

I was pretty sure I had gotten away with it when suddenly Tina turned off the video and I noticed that the room of people were all just staring at me in cold dead silence.

Tina then turned around and got up, walked over to me and yelled "First you insult my Daddy, then me, and now you sit their laughing at him - you cold, heartless !@!@&^*@. You were a real !@!@&^*@ when we dated years ago and you are still a real !@!@&^*@."

I was shocked and silent for a brief second. Then thinking quickly, I jumped up and realized the best defence was a strong offence in situations such as these.

In my best Perry Mason style voice I announced "You people are aware that recording other peoples private conversations without their knowledge is quite illegal? Totally inadmissible in a court of law. Now I am willing to forgive this little oversight being that you are in a period of grieving right now & obviously not thinking clearly."

I was rather pleased with my little speech, being that I was able to totally take control of this potentially unpleasant situation. Then suddenly it all fell apart.

Tina was staring at me, her face color becoming more red with each passing second. Finally she just started screaming over and over "Get out of here, Get out of here".

Realizing this was probably a good time to get going, I quickly removed myself from their premises.

As I was walking towards my car I heard a loud crash behind me. Apparently Tina had thrown the casserole at me. It didn't come anywhere near me and hit the pavement, smashing my Mom's dish to pieces.

What kind of a psychopath throws food at people - clearly she has some serious mental problems...stupid Byatch. Throws like her late, limp-wristed, poofster of an old man, I'd wager.

As I was driving home, I reflected on the events that had just happened and concluded that all this was certainly no coincidence. They have probably known about that video for years and were just waiting for that flaming old freak to die so they could get even with me. Petty, narcissistic, self-centered people.

Thankfully that's over. My only concern now is finding a new casserole dish to return to my Mom.