Take It to the Limit

So I am over at my folks place last Sunday and I'm sitting there almost dozing off listening to Mom and my stupid sister babbling on and on about absolutely nothing meaningful, when Sis finally tells Mom the true purpose of her visit today.

"Mom, I got a part-time job every day from noon to four over at the mall. The only thing is that Mikey is out of school at three so I arranged for our neighbour Mrs. Quinn to baby-sit him for an hour each day, till I get home. She has a son Mikey's age and they are good friends so I think it will work out great. I am a little hesitant to tell Dad about it though because I know how he adores Mikey and doesn't want me to work until Mikey is older. He says children that have babysitters end up running around wild & not raised properly."

"Nonsense." my Mother responded. "Your father is just a little old-fashioned about certain things is all. I know Mrs. Quinn and she is an excellent person to leave Mikey with. Don't worry about your father, I'll talk to him for you."

As this conversation was winding down & my sister was getting ready to leave, the wheels in my head were just spinning. I had a marvellous, yet somewhat devious plan to finally get even with my evil sister.

You see for years we have been fighting likes cats and dogs and it has continued non-stop into our adult lives. Sis is constantly trying to get me in trouble with our parents and make my life miserable. I rarely retaliate, being the more mature and sensible person but now the time has come. There is an old proverb that says that payback is a bitch, which will work out just great, because so is my sister.

I casually strolled out to the garage where I knew my father was working at one of his many projects and began to put my plan into action.

"So Dad." I slowly began my narrative ever so non-chalantly. "I guess you've already heard the news that Sis is taking some kind of 'half-assed job' and is leaving young Mikey at some babysitters all day."

Dad immediately stopped whatever he was doing and put the wrench in his hand down on the counter. Whenever you mention his grandson Mikey who is just six years old, you always can get Dad's complete undivided attention.

"This is the first I've heard of it." Dad responded looking rather concerned. "Who is the babysitter, do we know her? I wonder why she didn't ask me or your Mother?"

"Probably leaving him at some unemployed 'crack heads' house to baby-sit, I'd wager." I responded trying to look quite serious. "There are a lot of crack houses around their neighbourhood, you know. She knew Mom is too busy with her volunteer work to look after Mikey and she said that you were, well I don't really want to tell you what she said about you, Dad."

"No, No, please son. Tell me." Dad pleaded.

"Well, Dad she said that you were too old & decrepit to look after a young boy and that your best years were far behind you." I replied trying not to laugh at this huge lie.

Dad looked furious. The desired result was attained. My plan was working to perfection so far.

"What", he yelled. "She said that? She thinks I am too old & feeble to look after my own little Grandson?"

"That is quite funny, Dad." I responded. "Since those were also the very exact words she used to describe you 'old & feeble'. She said that if you hadn't soiled yourself before noon it would be considered a 'banner day' for you."

Dad looked enraged by these statements, but still maintained his composure. I was wondering how much more I needed to say to really get him going.

"That doesn't sound like your sister at all." Dad responded. "Are you quite positive she said all this?"

"It probably isn't just her idea." I replied calmly. "It's that creepy husband of hers, Doug. He has her twisted around his little finger, believes everything he tells her. Remember Dad, Sis has never been the sharpest knife in the drawer, we all know that." "Besides that," I said pretending to look around to see if anyone was listening, "I think she drinks."

Dad was silent for a minute. After a moment of carefully processing all the information I had just given him, he spoke.

"I really don't know whether I should be feeling hurt & sad by all this or just be mad." he commented aloud.

"Be mad - Definitely mad, Dad." I chimed in quickly. "This whole thing is a total outrage. She must be stopped, we all know that. You are the most reliable and responsible person to baby-sit any child. When I have kids one day, I would be proud to let you look after them anytime. Hell, you can have them!"

"You're a good son." Dad replied with a weak smile.

"That's only because I was raised by two very good loving parents." I responded, realizing I may be laying it all on a bit thick.

I knew Dad was now quite furious over this entire story. The true telltale sign was the infamous vein pulsating wildly in his left temple.

"A stranger looking after my own wee grandson, I cannot believe it." he muttered under his breath. "That's just not right."

"Yes, it is outrageous." I replied trying to stir the pot even further. Then I used the 'closing line' which I knew would hit home and result in an immediate reaction.

"What would all your friends down at the legion think if they ever heard about this?" I asked, just shaking my head and looking down sadly.

I noticed immediately that this struck a very deep chord with my father. He looked at me sharply and cleared his throat.

"I will go over to her house and speak with her about this right away." Dad informed me in a very firm and no nonsense tone. "I should go in the house and call before I go over, just to make sure she is home first."

I knew this could jeopardize my entire plan if Dad went into the house and talked to Mom before he left. I definitely could not take such a risk.

"Use my phone." I responded quickly, magically producing the cell phone from my pocket. "I'll dial." I added, trying to be most helpful.

After he hung up the phone confirming my sister was indeed at home, he just kept muttering "A stranger instead of his own loving grandparents".

Dad continued to look extremely agitated by the entire story and finally got in the car & left to confront my unsuspecting stupid sister. This would be hilarious.

As he was driving off, I yelled behind him "She'll probably start lying to you and try and deny everything. Don't let he get away with it, Dad."

As I was about to leave myself, knowing that my work here was now done, Mom came out to the garage looking for Dad.

"I wonder why he left in such a hurry? I have a nice big lunch waiting for him at the kitchen table." Mom asked inquiringly.

"Hard to say where he went." I commented indifferently. "But I can't bear to see good food go to waste, I'll come in and eat it for you since we don't know when Dad will be back."

After a very delicious hearty lunch I headed down to the pub for a couple of pints and to tell my friends about this entire entertaining story. I was quite pleased by my own genius.

Once I got back home a 'few pints & a few hours later', I noticed that there was a phone message waiting for me on the machine. It was from my sister.

She was furious with me and said it took her over an hour to calm Dad down. She vowed to get even with me for this and then proceeded to use a string of profanities which one would only expect from an irate sailor.

I was laughing hysterically at this and was just about to erase her vile message when yet another brilliant idea struck me.

Perhaps I will save this phone message and carefully edit it. Might make it into a audio remix with her vocals......a great gift to play for the parents at Christmas time, I chuckled as I pressed the SAVE button.