Africa

It all started two weekends ago when a few friends & myself were at our regular pub, downing a few pints. Accompanying my friend Cathy was one of her new co-workers, some tall, skinny goofy looking guy named Jerry Sands, who thankfully was finally leaving.

"See you all next Saturday night after 7:00 at my party", Jerry called out to us with a wave, as he left the pub.

"He's a really nice guy" Samantha commented once Jerry was out of earshot. "Inviting all of us to his going away party."

"I really like him" Cathy responded. "He is a really interesting guy to talk to, that's why I invited him out to have a drink tonight."

"Yeah, He seems a pretty cool guy." Damian added.

I finally couldn't take listening to this 'Love in' any further about this Jerry, so I quickly interrupted.

"The guy is a Dick and also a Liar." I blurted out, apparently to the shock of everyone, by the look of astonishment on their faces.

"What makes you say that about him?" Damian asked curiously. "You only just met him for the first time this evening when Cathy introduced you."

"That's the problem" I replied. "We were in 7th grade & on the same soccer team years ago when we were kids, and now pretends not even to remember me. That and the fact that he also now claims to be half black tells me this guy is a huge liar and obviously has some severe mental problems."

"Maybe he just forgot you." Samantha suggested. "After all, if you knew each other as kids that was a really long time ago."

"Nonsense" I replied abruptly. "And how do you explain him saying one of his parents was black and he has relatives in Africa that he is going to visit. He moved into my neighbourhood when we were both in grade 7, he was white then with just a dull white Calgary family, just like the rest of us. In fact his parents and my parents are friends and play cards all the time, and they are whiter than all of us. No he is making it all up, either to impress Cathy or for his own other insane agenda."

Cathy looked at me for a moment in silence, taking in all my words carefully.

"Why then?" Cathy asked. "Is it because I am black that you think he is making this up so I will go out with him, why would he do that? I don't care if he is black, green or white, and besides he didn't even ask me out yet!"

"You're all missing the point here." I began, attempting to restate the obvious. "I have no idea if he is saying he is half black to impress you or not. In his screwed up head he probably figures he has a better chance of getting a date with you if he says this. Or maybe he wants to sound more interesting than he really is so he claims he has a rich African heritage so you will all be impressed. I mean it does sound better than saying I'm some 'skinny-ass white boy' from Calgary."

I looked around the table at my friends who all seemed to have a very sceptical look on their faces. Obviously this moron Jerry had suckered them all in with his 'web of lies'.

"So if you know all this about the guy, why didn't you challenge him on any of it and call him a liar to his face." Damian asked in a rather demanding tone. "Instead you were silent the entire time he was here and said nothing at all."

"Time & place" I replied in my best evil voice. "Time & place, my friends. No offence meant to anyone here at the table, but when I uncover this headcase to be the 'big psycho liar' that he is, I want to have a larger audience than just you guys. This Dick needs to be taught a lesson and that is where I come in."

"You better not do anything at his party next Saturday night." Cathy warned me. "I think I kind of like Jerry and I really don't need you to ruin things."

"Yes" Samantha chimed in. "Promise us right now you won't do anything to embarrass him or us. He was nice enough to invite us over to his going away party before he leaves for Africa next week."

"I promise" I responded, my fingers crossed beneath the table, as I looked everyone directly in the eyes without blinking.

Unfortunately by the nervous reaction of the group, I think everyone at the table knew me well enough to realize that this was definitely a promise that I would not be keeping.

So this past Saturday rolled around and my buddy John picked me up from my apartment and we headed over to this party. I must say I had been looking forward to this evening all week so I could put my plan in motion. It was a kind of exciting. Now I know how Perry Mason must have felt just before he would announce who the insane criminal was on his TV show. I really wanted to uncover and expose this liar for what he really was, which was er, a liar. (Damn, that sentence sounded so much better in my head then it does on paper.) But nonetheless, he would be uncovered!

When we arrived, Jerry opened the door dressed in some weird looking tribal-like shirt. He pretended to greet us warmly with some fake smile plastered on his face.

"Glad you could make it, come on in guys" He gestured us inside. "The kitchen is just around that corner and there are drinks and mix and everything else. I also tried my hand at cooking some authentic African foods since that is where I'll be the next couple months to visit my relatives. There are some somosas, roti, kabobs and a few other things there, so please help yourselves and mingle."


"Oh man" I commented, looking over at John. "This fool is really playing it to the hilt here. He still pretends he doesn't remember me and now he also thinks he is an African. And did you see that shirt? He looks like some kind of tribal chief in it. He obviously doesn't realize that I remember him. HAHA, well his 'web' will soon be unravelled!

John just shook his head and muttered. "I knew you weren't just going to let it go. Cathy isn't going to be too happy with you."

"She may not be happy with me tonight" I began. "But one day she will thank me for exposing this lying fraud before she went out with him. Nice guy, my ass, he's a mental case & I'll prove it!"

We both wandered around the house and snacked on a few of the Psycho's African hor' duerves (or whatever they call them) and they were actually pretty tasty. Those, combined with the unlimited free whiskey and beer which was available, began to soften my bitter mood to some degree.

"Maybe I'll let this fool off the hook tonight and not say anything." I thought to myself. "I mean free food, free drinks and a nice atmosphere - who am I to say anything. What do I care if he thinks he is African and is conning women into going out with him? None of my business."

Then as quick as my happy & forgiving mood appeared, it vanished. I looked up on the wall and beside all the many pictures and photos of Africa was a framed photograph of Bob Marley!

"That's it, this needs to stop" I exclaimed bitterly to John. "Bob Marley was Jamaican not African. This Jerry is a total nutcase. His ego is bigger than his brain; he is just hanging pictures of random black people on the wall hoping we don't call him on it. I mean, what am I going to find next, a picture of Oprah ?

"Maybe he just likes Bob Marley or his music." John responded calmly, trying to offer some possible rational explanation.

I was just about to respond when I suddenly spotted Jerry talking to a small group of girls, who all seemed enthralled with his narrative. Cathy was sitting beside him and he appeared to have his arm on the back of her chair. I immediately walked over to listen to whatever 'crap he was spewing out'.

"And that is really why I am going to Tanzania next week." Jerry concluded. "I am looking forward to seeing my relatives and my homeland as well as my elderly grandfather, of course."

"That is fascinating, Jerry." One of the girls responded, clearly being taken in by lies she had just heard. "Is your family in the city now or still in that tiny village you mentioned earlier?"

This was my signal. It was now my moment to interrupt and put an end to all this. 'Show Time' as they say !!

"So Jerry" I began, in a rather loud voice. "Sorry to interrupt your interesting story here, but I was just a little curious. So if you are African & half black as you claim, was it your mother who screwed around on your father or was your Daddy 'diddling' more than just Mommy?"

The room suddenly went dead quiet and John, who had been observing all this from the kitchen door, quickly moved in between Jerry and myself, as he evidently thought violence was about to occur.

"What the Hell are you talking about?"? Jerry responded, sounding half astonished and half enraged by my pointed question.

"Please shut-up!" Cathy pleaded aloud, but I ignored her. After all, I was doing this for her and everyone else's own good, they just didn't realize it yet!

"Well you obviously don't remember me, but we went to junior high school together and we were also on the same soccer team." I continued. "I know your parents well and they are both really white & live right here in town. So this must therefore mean either one of two things. It seems pretty simple to me. Either your Dad screwed around on your Mom or your mother was a whore. So which is it?"

At that point the goofy Jerry lunged at me, his long 'freaky alien-like' arms waving madly in the air. John easily blocked & restrained him. A number of rather ugly obscenities were thrown out towards me, as I just stood there leaning against the fireplace maintaining my calm and collected demeanour. I am quite positive everyone in the room observing this thought me to be a cool individual by my response to all of this.

After a couple of minutes of his cheap theatrics, 'Psycho Jerry' calmed down and John released him. Actually he now looked like he was going to cry. The girls all stared at me with total disgust, which was rather puzzling to me after what I had just done.

Cathy walked up to me and said angrily "Why didn't you just listen to me. You don't know the whole story...."

"It's ok, Cathy." Jerry interrupted, coming up to her and putting his arm around her waist. I'll tell him and anyone else here that thinks I am a fraud."

"Six months ago I found out that I was adopted." Jerry began. "My birth parents were a mixed couple who gave me up for adoption after I was born. My father was from Tanzania and my mother from Canada. Her ignorant family felt that it was an embarrassment to have a child out of wedlock and even more so to have one who was interracial. So they forced her to put me up for adoption."

"The Sands family were the ones that adopted and raised me, which is obviously where you remember me from. They never even told me until earlier this year, I had no idea until they informed me of this and also that my birth father had passed away after a long battle with cancer. It has been a very emotional journey for me and that is why I am going to Tanzania next week for a few months. It is my tribute to keep my birth father's memory alive and also to learn more about where I came from."

At that point he stopped his narrative and began to sob out loud. A couple of the girls put their arms around him and sat him down on the couch.

"You should leave." Maria suggested as I stood there staring down at the floor, embarrassed.

I felt like crap. I tried my best to apologize to the guy and pretty much anyone else in the room that would listen but sadly, no one wanted anything to do with me. I realized the party was over (for me anyway) when my friend Cathy told me to 'Just get out' and everyone else seemed to echo her sentiments in a less than subtle manner.

Both John and I took off to the pub where the rest of the evening was pretty quiet, due to me feeling so lousy about how things turned out. I had been so sure. Damn! Stupid Jerry, stupid adoption - I never even considered that as a possible option. Now most of the few friends I actually have are mad at me. This was not good.

The next day was Sunday and I was over at my folks place for dinner. I was still feeling pretty miserable about things and was in quite a down mood. I sat in the kitchen while Mom was cooking and told her I had run into Jerry Sands over the weekend. (of course I didn't mention how the evening ended). I asked her if she knew he was adopted.

"Adopted, oh no dear" Mom replied. "He is not adopted. It's a very sad story. We were over at his parents, Dan and Emma Sands house last week to play Bridge. Jerry is mentally ill. He is ok if he takes his medication but now that he is living on his own, he seems to have stopped. Poor Emma is beside herself with worry about him. He becomes delusional without his medication, harmless but delusional. They may need to institutionalize him shortly, Emma said. It's a very sad story indeed."

"HA" I said, jumping to my feet laughing. "I knew it. The guy IS a psycho! This is fantastic! No time for dinner for me tonight, Mom! I have a few people I need to talk to."

With that I ran out to my car leaving my poor mother totally bewildered & looking completely startled. But honestly, there was no time for explanations, I needed to race home and call everyone to vindicate myself. I was no longer the cold, unfeeling and ignorant individual everyone thought I was, but rather, HE was just a delusional little mental patient with huge psychological problems. What great news!

It doesn't get any better than this! Sweet!

15 comments:

Missy said...

Wow, that guy has some serious issues, I hope he gets help.

newdrive@gmail.com said...

Too funny, good call.

melai said...

what if your friends don't believe you because of what happened last night?

Mike said...

You left without eating the dinner that your mother made!? Maybe you're the one who is crazy. Just kidding. Great story.

Diana said...

Haha good story. I always go with my gut feelings in situations like this. Although I've never had anything like this happen. But now I know what to say when it does! :)

JAbbeRed ONiON said...

great twist. i really thought that you made a fool out of yourself that night. hahahah

Private EYE said...

Wow, I was really starting to think you were a dick for a minute! Good call.

Kittyn said...

Wow.

Just ... wow.

I would love to share a beer with you.

timi said...

Geez! You were right all along! I wish your friends believe you when you tell them about him...

Sly Hoax said...

I look forward to seeing how the rest of this unfolds. Also, you could still end up being the bad guy for not being nice to the mentally ill. Of course, you didn't know that part when you were at the party, but now that you do know this, you might want to treat him differently. You simply don't want to piss off a lunatic- you never know what they might do.

Broadway Matron said...

I'm sorry but you don't get a pass on this. The fact that this young man is mentally ill should evince compassion not gloating. But I am much older than you, perhaps compassion comes with age.

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C.W. Thomas said...

I'm going to have to agree with broadway matron. You're gloating because you exposed an individual who is mentally ill. Congratulations. This is probably one of the most depressing things I've ever read. While I understand your concern for your friends and trying to keep them safe, you went about the whole situation completely wrong and I'd almost rather he have been telling the truth and you lost your friends over this so you could learn a lesson or two.

OMYWORD! said...

Wow! I was on the edge of my seat the whole time! I RARELY spend this much time on a website I found through EntreCard. I love how you write. And...I had a similar experience with a guy I worked with who was pretending to be the grandson of the billionaire Hunt family and he was merely a recently-released convict who had done time for credit card fraud and impersonating people. He was also not qualified to be the Chief Technology Officer either!

Dwayne from Probably Sucks Blog said...

NOW, that was an interesting story. Thanks for posting, it's good you were right in the end though.

Ps. I found your blog through Entrecard.

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