All this Time

It has always been a kind of a running joke with all by buddies and myself about trying out the companionship ads in the newspaper or joining one of those online dating services.

Essentially we have all pretty much openly mocked & ridiculed anyone who we find out has used these services and branded them with the "Big L" or 'LOSER' nametag !! No normal guy would ever use these services nr even need them, just losers!

Then came last Wednesday when my friend John was over at my apartment for a couple beers. I was trying to get him to commit to which bar he wanted to go to on Saturday night to have a few drinks and watch the game. Usually he is very decisive and firm however he kept avoiding answering the question, which told me something odd was going on.

Finally after a lot of coaxing, nagging and then after swearing to complete secrecy, I finally got the true reason out of him.

"Well," John began, speaking slowly & somewhat reluctantly. "I decided to try one of the online dating sites, just out of curiosity. My career and its demanding hours, makes it really difficult to meet a nice girl that I would want to date. So after doing a little bit of investigation into online dating, I thought I would try this one and see."

"What do you mean?" I responded quizzically. "You're a cop. You meet more people and more women on every shift than the rest of us do in an entire month?"

"I said 'women I want to date'" John replied. "The women I meet on shift are either crime victims or lawbreakers such as junkies, boozers, hookers or hundreds of other things. Not exactly the 'cream of the crop' to consider as dating material."

"So you turned immediately to an online dating site?" I asked, sounding surprised at this. "Why don't you just meet women like the rest of us, you know the old-fashioned way, in bars. It worked for me here and when I was working overseas in London. At least you know and see what you're getting. These websites only attract losers and 'Two-ton Tilley's' from what I've heard - all strictly 'bottom of the barrel' stuff. Equivalent to what you would find leftover at a Wal-Mart after a big sale, that being stuff no one else in their right mind would want."

"No, no!" John protested. "I've exchanged pics with one of the girls, I'll log in and show you."


With that John signed into this web site and went over to his profile. As he was searching for the link, I silently peered over his shoulder to see his profile picture. It was a really old one (I remember because I took it years ago). I bet no one uses a current picture on these damn sites. A total scam, for sure.

"Here she is - Dawn Marie." John proclaimed as he pulled up the photograph. "She is 5'11' and approx. 140 lbs, and by her picture she is really cute. Have a look."

"Well she can tell you anything really." I responded sounding extremely sceptical of this whole fiasco. "You've never seen her, so she can say anything. Are you sure it's 140 pounds and not 140 kilos? These convenient 'typos' happen all the time, I'm sure. I mean the photo is just of a head, God knows what it is potentially sitting on - could be 200 lbs of pure lard!"

"Don't try and scare me away from this." John responded, now sounding quite serious. "It took all my nerve to even sign up on this website and try and meet someone. We have been chatting online for a few weeks now and finally decided to meet up. I don't need you to jinx me on this. She sounds like a really sweet & intelligent girl. We are planning on going for a couple drinks and then to dinner Saturday night."

A questionable "Hmmph" was my only response to John's statement.

"Hey, now you've got me a little worried." John replied. "Do me a favour and why don't you meet up with me in the lounge beforehand just in case. If I need to get out of this date, I'll use you as an excuse and if I don't, well you can have one drink with us and then get the Hell out of there. Either way, next time we go out, the drinks are all on me for the whole night just for your help."

"HAHA!!" I responded, suddenly becoming very pleased. "That is a deal I could never turn down, Sweet. I'll be there for sure. Just mark my words though, this one will be 1000 lbs otherwise she wouldn't be still single & available. But remember, fat girls need dates too!"

Saturday afternoon finally rolled around and as I headed out the door, I slipped my digital camera into my coat pocket. I wanted this date of Johns' to be documented, something to haunt & use against him for life. That is what good friends do. Tonight will definitely be a Kodak moment for sure.

It was only 4 in the afternoon and we had arranged to 'casually run into one another' around 7 PM. This gave me some hours to kill so I headed over to an old bar just one block away from the fancy lounge and restaurant where I was to meet them. I really had no plans for the afternoon or evening so I could think of no better way to spend it then with numerous pints of Guinness.

The bar was pretty grungy with a lot of biker types and regulars in it. I sat myself down at a vacant table and started having a few pints, just to 'Wet my Whistle'. I then got talking to some people and played a bit of pool, had some shooters and met a whole bunch of really nice folks. As I was indulging in a huge platter of Red Hot BBQ Chicken Wings with my new friends, I suddenly remembered John. Looking down at my watch I was shocked as time had really flown by and it was now already 7:35! Damn, I was late.

I quickly ran out of the bar (well as quick as one can move after about a dozen drinks and a dinner of wings) and raced over to the lounge. It was already dark outside and the sidewalk must have been a little slanted as I was not able to completely walk in a straight line.

Nonetheless, I persevered & quickly arrived at the lounge. Grabbing my camera (in order to get some candid shots of this 'date'), I opened the door and entered its' rather posh interior.

The lounge was pretty full of people - mostly couples, but as I looked around I could not see John and his date anywhere. I must have gotten here before them, Excellent.

Then I suddenly spotted one table in the entire lounge that had only one girl sitting by herself. She appeared to be a rather large woman with a huge head and very long hair. This undoubtedly must be Dawn Marie waiting for John. HA! I knew those dating pics were all fake!

"This is going to be great. I'm going to get a ringside seat for this." I thought to myself as I headed over to her table. "Dawn Marie?" I asked as I got to the table, extending my hand.

"What?" The fat girl nervously responded, looking completely shocked, clueless & confused by my question. "You must have me mistaken for someone else."

I then suddenly heard John's voice calling me from a corner booth, behind some pompous oversized wooden pillar. He then stood up and gestured me over to the table.

As I came around the corner of the pillar & before John could stop me, I quickly snapped a photo of him and his date sitting at the table. I got my candid shot!

"Put that away you idiot." John laughed. "Let me introduce you to Dawn Marie."

As my eyes adjusted to the lighting in the corner, I was totally in shock. Dawn Marie was beautiful. Actually she was more than beautiful, she was gorgeous! Long dark flowing hair and very fine features. Professionally dressed and just, just gorgeous! I was really impressed.

"Nice to meet you" I stammered, sounding like a complete jackass, still mesmerized by her surprisingly fantastic looks. "You must both forgive me for interrupting you. But I was in the neighbourhood and just stopped in here for a drink..."

Dawn Marie just looked at me with a smile and then started to giggle.

"You don't have to keep up the lie." John grinned. "I told her all about you coming by as my 'safety net. She actually had the same idea about me and had one of her friends here as well, just in case. Her friend Sonja just left. It seems this online dating is great for the bar business - everyone brings a friend."

I grabbed myself a Guinness and sat back to learn a little more. Apparently Dawn Marie was a lawyer who had concentrated more on her career then her personal life up until now. She just got back into the dating scene and wanted to try a couple of online sites just to get started.

"I was so lucky to come across John's profile, right away" She advised. "After we started talking I knew we had a lot in common and he was such a nice guy. And being in law enforcement is a bonus such we have so much to talk about."

"Yes" I joked laughingly. "You two are the perfect couple, he can arrest them and you can defend them later in court. It's a perfect business partnership as well, just keep recycling them! HAHA"

I was very pleased with that joke but unfortunately neither John nor Dawn Marie found it to be particularly humorous. I realized at that moment that maybe they do both have a lot in common. At least they both don't seem to appreciate a classic joke like that one.

John then announced that they were now off to dinner and Dawn Marie excused herself to the ladies room, leaving John and myself at the table.

"So what do you think, eh? Pretty nice." John announced, looking extremely happy with things.

"Well she is beautiful, but undoubtedly quite insane." I replied, jokingly. "If you want to leave now, I'll explain everything to her and make sure she gets home safely."

"Yeah, leave her for you - that's not going to happen." John responded, smiling. He continued. "By the way, are you drunk right now?"

"Yeah, pretty much. At least well on my way to getting bombed, if I'm lucky!" I replied honestly. "How can you tell, am I slurring my words, I've only had a dozen or so? I was hoping no one would notice as it's still pretty early."

"No" John replied. "Your speech is fine. It's just you have BBQ sauce all over your face and shirt. I was going to tell you earlier but then you blinded us with your damn camera and I forgot. But really, you should tidy yourself up before going out, it's quite disgusting. No women in their right mind would talk to you looking like that. You look like an animal on one of those wildlife shows after a fresh kill."

With that, I embarrassingly ran off to the washroom to clean myself up and John and Dawn Marie went over to the dining room. When I returned it seemed rather silly to me to sit all by myself at the table of 3 we were just at so I moved over to the bar, sitting alone in a huge lounge full of couples.

"Damn" I thought. "That Dawn Marie is pretty hot. I wonder if all of the girls on these dating websites are like that? What have I been missing all these years? This rumour that they are all hideous could be nothing more than modern day folklore, created by some little freak who got rejected or something. Damn! We need 'Mythbusters' to further investigate this.

All this time I have always made fun of people that use those companion ads and online dating sites as being big losers who ended up alone. I then reflected on that last statement for a moment looking at the empty bar stools to both my left and right, just before I ordered another Guinness from the bartender.

I am sure there was a lesson about irony in here somewhere, but thankfully I was quite drunk and missed it.