Now that I have finally moved into my own apartment, I am noticing that the frequency of calls to me from my stupid sister have increased dramatically. I think it is primarily because her dullard husband Doug is currently working out of town and Sis is simply bored, however I am starting to miss the days when she totally ignored me and phoned up Mom all the time to chat.

Today Sis called and asked if I wouldn't mind looking after Mikey for an hour as she would be delayed in getting home, as she was taking my niece Emma for a doctor's appointment and the babysitter only works till 5 PM.

Now if there is one thing in the world I do truly admire about my sister is her two kids, 8-year-old Mikey and 1-year-old Emma. The kids are intelligent, outgoing, interesting and amusing. Four things which my sister is not, and I firmly believe Mikey especially takes after me. It is always a treat for me to spend time with him and he always enjoys it as well.

Unfortunately the only thing I really hate about going over to my sisters place is I have to deal with the miserable old babysitter that Sis hired to look after the kids each afternoon from noon to 5 PM while she is at work. This babysitter, a Ms. Hershel, is some man-hating, old one-eyed broad that left her husband after 35 years of marriage and is now 'shacked up' with another old dame in some kind of bizarre 'female relationship'.

I am really not sure where my sister dug up this crazy old woman however she claims this Ms. Hershel is an excellent babysitter who is extremely reliable and great with the kids.

In any event, I was not looking forward to seeing this woman and her one eye peering at me, but this sadly was a necessary evil if I was to look after young Mikey.

I rang the front door bell and braced myself for the hideous 'Cyclops-lady' to appear at the door however what came to the door was something totally different & unexpected.

An extremely gorgeous dark haired brunette wearing a tight tank top and jeans opened the door and introduced herself as Alison Bennett. She explained she was filling in for the vile Ms. Hershel, who was apparently home ill today.

I couldn't believe how gorgeous a smile this girl had and I was immediately taken by her beauty and soft-spoken demeanour. She was someone I really wanted to get to know better, much better, however time was working against me as she went to the other room and began to pack up her belongings to leave.

Mikey must have noticed how I was staring intently after her and perceptively remarked, "You like Alison, right Uncle? She really is pretty and lots of fun. You should ask her to go out."

"Very true, young Mikey" I responded in agreement. "When she comes back in the room, you listen and learn how to pick up a beautiful woman, from your expert of an uncle."

Mikey suddenly had a huge smile on his face and quietly sat in the chair at the kitchen counter, awaiting the 'show'.

I figured a 'man of the world' such as myself would use simple charm and finesse on this gorgeous girl and in no time I imagined that we would spend the next few hours together & she would be cooking me breakfast tomorrow morning!

When Alison returned to the kitchen to say goodbye, I immediately put my plan into action.

"Alison" I began. "You must forgive me for staring at you & being so forward, but you radiate such a strong confidence and beauty that I cannot help myself. It is unusual for me to come across such a breath-taking woman that not only has outer beauty but inner beauty as well. Mikey here has just told me how much fun he has had today with you looking after him."

I continued. "May I thank you for taking such good care of my nephew by taking you out for dinner and drinks this evening?"

Alison looked at me for a moment in silence, her beautiful smile became broader and she responded "Well aren't you just the charming man. I would love to go out this evening if you are as wonderful a man as your adoring nephew Mikey tells me you are."

"Ha" I thought to myself. "Like shooting fish in a barrel, I still have the charm. Sweet!"

Unfortunately I sometimes have the ill-fated habit of not knowing when enough is enough and when to shut-up. This was one of those times.

"Well that is great." I replied laughingly. "It is a treat to see such a beautiful and kind girl looking after my nephew instead of that man-hating, dirty old one-eyed, dried up lesbian that usually is over here babysitting. I couldn't bear to lay eyes on that hideous monster today."

The smile immediately disappeared from Alisons' face and was suddenly replaced by a crooked scowl and an unexpected look of disgust.

"That woman you just called a hideous monster, is my mother." She spat. "I can't believe you would speak about anyone with such disrespect, let alone my mother who has a disability. You're disgusting!"

Realizing that things were 'no longer going as planned' I knew I had to think quick in order to smooth things over and cover up my unfortunate faux pas.

"Err" I began. "You don't think I was serious do you? HAHA! Of course I knew Ms. Hershel was your mother. I was just joking. Those are phrases I use all the time just to get a laugh. They
are meaningless - monster, HAHA!"

I continued to bail myself out by adding "Look at the cat over there in the corner sleeping, what a lazy old lesbian." As I gestured towards Whiskers, my sisters cat which was curled up on the living room chair.

There was silence for a moment however the harsh look on Alisons' face did not seem to soften as I had hoped. Finally she spoke.

"Is there something wrong with you? She yelled. "Something wrong in your head? I wouldn't spend a moment with you if you were the last man on earth."

With that she nicely said goodbye to Mikey and stormed out of the house towards her car, turning around to kindly wave her middle finger at me.

"She sure is mad at you, Uncle." Mikey commented as she drove away.

"Yes" I replied. "She did seem a little upset. But you can never tell with some of these women Mikey. Look at her, she seems quite normal on the outside but clearly is an emotional wreck on the inside. I'm glad I didn't go out with her, probably more like her mother than we all know. Did you know she was that nasty hag, Ms. Hershel's, daughter?

"Yes" Mikey responded, sounding suddenly disinterested.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, trying not to sound angry.

"You never asked me." Mikey replied, matter-of-factly.

There were then a couple of minutes of silence as we just sat in the room when suddenly Mikey looked at me directly and asked, "So Uncle, what is a lesbian?"

I never believe in lying to children although, at 8 years old I was not sure if Mikey would fully understand the 'technicality' of my definition, so I responded as best I could to this difficult question by saying "A lesbian is a female homosexual who prefers the company of other females instead of to males."

I was hoping this explanation would be sufficient so no further follow-up questions would be forthcoming. I was relieved when Mikey just responded "ok" and then went to the fridge and got us both ice creams.

The next 45 minutes was relatively quiet with us both playing a competitive card game of "Go Fish" when Sis finally arrived home with little Emma.

As she was preparing dinner and I was just finishing off my beer prior to departing, young Mikey suddenly broke the calm silence by exclaiming "Mommy, can we go get another female cat?"

My sister turned to him and responded "But why dear? Why do we need another cat, we already have Whiskers. She is a female cat and is still quite young."

"Well" Mikey responded slowly. "I don't want her to be lonely because Uncle says she's a lazy old lesbian and doesn't like males."

I could see the shocked look on my sister's face as she quickly attempted to regain her composure. She looked over at me with 'daggers in her eyes' but said nothing.

"I am sure you misunderstood your uncle, Mikey." Sis explained. "Whiskers is not a lesbian and even if she was, we would all still love her all the same."

Then suddenly and quite unexpectedly for the second time within the hour I was asked the question of "Is there something wrong with you?"

Sis continued her tirade "Calling a child's pet cat a 'lesbian', are you completely nuts? What would possess you to even suggest this?"

"Well sure" I sputtered, wincing at the recollection of my words. "If you put it that way it does sound somewhat crazy, but let me assure you that those words have been taken completely out of context."

Before I could continue in my own defence, Mikey interrupted me and happily announced "Well that's ok then Mommy, I was worried Whiskers would grow up to be a man-hating old lesbian like Ms. Hershel and then look like a monster like uncle said about her today".

I realized at that very moment that was 'timing was everything' and before yet another word could be uttered, it was definitely my time to leave. I quietly put down my beer can and quickly made an exit towards my car.

As the door closed behind me I heard Mikey ask my sister "Mommy do you think Alison is a lesbian. She wouldn't go out with Uncle even though he told her that he was joking about her mother looking like a monster."

I quickly kept walking to my car, not slowing down or looking back.


Anonymous said...

Glad to see you're back to posting your hilarious tales of the I am, rolling in your sidebar laughing and raising a glass on your EntreCard widget.


Anonymous said...

no worries;never settle :)

Mark said...

You could turn this into a sitcom so easily.

Anonymous said...

lol yea I love it!! LOL your life sound so much intresting than mine right now LOL i wonder did these really happen to you? LOL Either way love the story, love the way you tell it! LOL

Anonymous said...

don't drink anymore..will you?

Anonymous said...

Holy Hell! You're laugh out loud hilarious! Excellent post!

Leslie said...

lol Wow, I needed a laugh like that. I*m glad i stumbled upon you. Hey, there's always tomorrow right? :P

iriegal said...

Out of the mouth of babes! It reminded me of the time my daughter asked my neighbor why one of her breast was larger then the other (she was 5)...because she heard mommy and daddy say they would be touching the floor one day.

sigh...good luck !! It only gets better..rotfl

Becki said...

Too funny! Timing is everything...

Anonymous said...

please please please tell me this was all true!!

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