Losing My Religion

This story happened back in February of this year.  I was talking to my Mom on the phone and she 'casually mentioned' that there is nothing she would rather see then for me to settle down with a 'nice girl' or so she put it.

Now this is not a surprising statement in the least.  In fact, this is a recurring conversation that Mom has with me approximately once every couple months despite my protests that I am quite happy.
In order to speed up the conversation I unfortunately told Mom...

In order to speed up the conversation I unfortunately told Mom that I had not actually been out with anyone on a date for a few weeks.  I joked out loud that I was like a poor farmer and experiencing a 'drought'.
I say unfortunate, as this private conversation with my own dear Mother appeared to be shared with my nasty, unintelligent sister as the following Sunday she confronted me during our weekly family dinner.

"So I hear through the grapevine you haven't had a date in months."  Sis laughed callously looking over at me.  "I guess that means your either spending a lot of time in your shower or worse...you are just so disgusting I don't even want to think about it!"

"It hasn't been months, more like a few weeks is all."  I corrected her, realizing I would need to defend myself.  "It's just a temporary glitch.  No big deal.  Anyway why do you care?"

"I don't really care at all."  Sis replied, her tone still condescending.  "Just think it's funny that Mister 'I Love Being Single' cannot even find a date.  If all those tramps, skanks & whores you usually date won't go out with you, you are definitely in trouble, big trouble."

I knew very well from the past that Sis would drone on and on if I gave any retort.  Keeping this in mind, I remained silent hoping she would tire herself out on her own boring babble.

Unfortunately for me, she was on some kind of 'a roll' and continued in her unprovoked attack upon my personal life.

"I am really quite shocked, actually."  Sis annoyingly continued.  "One would think that an unemployed man with absolutely no leads or real work prospects &  who goes out drinking every night would be a great date!  Yes, you sound like the real deal - all the women should be lining up."

I was slowly becoming furious.  Clearly Sis was releasing years of anger...at my expense.  Even though my folks were at the table, I was ready to explode in a 'tsunami of profanities' directed towards my sister.  I mean 'How Dare She?".

Mom must have notice the rage building up within me as she quickly interjected into the conversation.

"Now you two, you're not kids anymore."  Mom began.  "If I didn't know better I would think it was Mikey and Emma fighting like you two are.  It's just foolishness."

Mikey and Emma are, of course,  my sisters two kids ages 10 and 5 respectively.  Thankfully they were not at the table this evening as my Mom (Grandma to them) allowed them to have their dinner in the front room so as they could watch some kids cartoon show.

"Sorry Mom!" my 'bootlick' of a sister replied, always trying to gain favour with our parents.  "I was only just teasing him is all.  Just some fun, no drama.  In fact, if he wants I can probably set him up with one of my friends on a date.  A lot of my friends are single."

"Well isn't that very considerate of you Dear."  Mom responded, smiling over at my sister. 

That was it!  It was one thing for me to have to sit here & listen to my sisters' ridiculous insults, those were lame & harmless.  It was however quite another thing to listen to her pity of me.  That was not happening.

I knew I could not let her see that her offer had bothered me, so I just simply smiled over at her and politely declined the offer.  Inside however, I was fuming.

"Well good luck, dear brother."  Sis responded with an insincere grin.  "I'm sure it is, as you say, only a 'temporary glitch' and things will pick up.  You have my support, as usual !"

The rest of the evening was rather uneventful although I could not get over the horrible thought of my sister trying to set me up on a date.  When my younger, repulsive & separated sister is giving ME relationship advice & offering to set me up with one of her hideous friends, you know something needs to be done.

I knew I had now hit rock bottom.  Much like when an alcoholic wakes up in his own mess & filth and realizes it cannot get any worse then this, I was now there.

On top of that, I am sure she had now intentionally jinxed me with her disingenuous wishes - the witch.  Damn her!  Wishing me luck & meddling in my personal affairs or in this case, lack there of. 

I didn't realize it at the time however it soon became obvious that her 'jinx' was following me around.  I couldn't shake it. 

The Friday after all of this, I headed out to one of the clubs with a few friends.  I recounted the above story to both John & Damian, also telling them I now was jinxed by my 'big cow' of a sister.

"No such thing as bad luck."  John advised laughingly.  "We make our own luck in this life, you've just temporarily lost your nerve is all.  Have a few drinks, gather your thoughts & get back out there.  No need to rush things."

I knew that this was good and sincere advice, being that John was my best friend however as the evening wore on I began to feel somewhat 'out of place' as it seemed everywhere I looked there were couples.

I quickly grabbed my Guinness and decided to wander the bar, hoping to find a nice single girl.  This unfortunately proved to be much harder then I had ever previously experienced.

I went over to a group of younger looking women and struck up a conversation with a tall, skinny blonde, who was by far, the most attractive one of the group.  We seemed to be getting along quite fine & were hitting it off until one of her rather 'rotund' friends came over, looked at me with a snarl and rudely blurted out 'Are you a friend of my Dads?.'  Clearly she was an angry lesbian & I was intruding on her 'turf', so I moved along.

I asked a couple of other girls to dance and they both declined.  This was also kind of new to me as I had never had such bad luck in a club, pub or anywhere else for that matter.  It was the 'jinx' for sure, it had to be.

I continued my wanderings when I spotted a rather 'unusual' looking girl leaning against the speaker all by herself, slowly swaying to the rhythm of the music.  She was attractive in an odd looking way, but certainly would not be my first choice in the club.  

However being that I was experiencing a drought I understood the concept of 'beggars not being choosers' all too well.

I casually sauntered over and after some yelling back & forth (due to the volume of the music) I asked her to dance.  She gave me a slow, meaningful look & then she shook her head & declined, announcing rather creepily 'When I dance, I dance alone'. 

Damn, that was it.

"No" I quickly yelled back.  "I didn't ask you to dance, you misheard me ya 'freaky deaf Byatch'.  What I said was 'You look Fat in those Pants!'  HAHA!"

She just looked at me with empty vacant eyes & wandered off into the darkness of the club without saying another word.

I briefly felt a little bad for having to publically insult the strange girl however deep down I was quite pleased with myself for remembering such a 'witty' comment at the perfect moment.  No, it obviously wasn't an original insult, however it served its' purpose well.  After that brief exchange I was beginning to enjoy myself a little bit & I was sure my confidence was now also slowly returning.

Looking around it would seem the only thing left at the club at this late time of night were ugly stragglers & leftovers, neither of which groups I was interested in.  I do have my standards.

I had seen enough for one night anyway and returned to the group.  As we all headed for the door, I began telling John and Damian 'my loser experiences' of the evening.

"Some of these women are vicious & hurtful."  I announced, as I recounted the story of the fat lesbians' nasty words to me earlier in the evening.

After listening to all of my stories, both John & Damian were laughing hysterically. Finally Damian offered some of his own thoughtful advice.

"Remember, there's always tomorrow or next weekend."  He continued.  "Women are like buses, if you miss one there is always another one coming around soon enough."

"HAHA" I laughing responded, now being in a much better mood.  "You're starting to sound like my mother!  She always tells me that I would be a great catch for any girl.  She knows!"

"But, now I think about it."  John suddenly interrupted.  "If you recall doesn't your Mom also always tell your sister that she is a smart & sophisticated  woman?"

"Damn it"  I replied, suddenly realizing that John was quite correct.  "You're right.  Moms' words all these years, they have all been lies, damn lies - AAAHHHH!"

I really hope my sister and myself begin fighting once again.  Her attempts at being nice to me results in nothing more than a huge unwelcomed jinx. 

I think when I get home tonight I'll call her up and start an argument, just to be safe.



Unknown said...

Yikes...one needs no enemy with a sibling like that. Your personal life really is your own business as is hers. Funny how some love to revel in another's down time so to speak as if theirs is always perfect~
I feel for you here as I have 5 brothers that in their own way made my life in the dating field hell and almost null and void as they continued to scare off any potential date I could have had for quite a few years~

Colleen from Tix-Comix said...

Just listen to that little voice inside u, he speaks the truth.

Mike Golch said...

that's why I'm glad that my sisters want nothing to do with me.

frank barbour said...

So what's your Religion anyway? After all, you never did say.... lol

Unknown said...

"when i dance, i dance alone"...profound.

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