It was definitely him all right. I would recognize those small beady eyes and huge buck teeth anywhere, neither age nor the many years that have past could hide his ridiculous features.

I was observing the movements of one Graham Crenshaw, a little weasel I had known about twenty years ago who got me in a lot of trouble back then and I had vowed that very memorable day that I would get even and he would rue the day he had ever crossed me.

You see way back then we were both kids however I think Graham may have been four or five years older than me. Despite being older, he was always a thin and frail looking individual and someone that you would describe as a sissified little worm who would do no wrong.

He was always known as the teachers pet and an 'A' student and just one of those kids you just hated, well if you were another kid anyway. He even had a part-time job at the neighbourhood movie theatre as an usher.

Anyway one afternoon in the summer, myself and 2 other friends decided to sneak into that theatre in order to save a couple bucks which we would use to buy necessities such as soft drinks, licorice and other assorted candy. Despite their apprehensions, I convinced my buddies Brian and Danny that it was not really dishonest to sneak in as they were going to be showing the movies anyway plus we would be spending all the money we had on us at the theatre, but just on candy instead of admission. It was win-win for everybody.

I had snuck in a couple of times previously and it was really simple. All you needed was a good size flathead screwdriver and slide it up the crack of the exit door and it would unlock & open. After that, just wait on the stairs until the lights went off and then walk on in, undetected. It was a piece of cake!

Apparently unbeknownst to me, a number of other kids were using this exact same method to also gain free entrance and as a result all the theatre staff were wise to this procedure and were laying in wait for the next group of kids to attempt it. Unfortunately that was the three of us.

Four ushers led by the pansified Graham Crenshaw caught us all by surprise. After that we were marched to the managers office who not only called our parents, we were banned from the theatre in the future and then they tossed us all out.

By himself Graham would not ever dream of throwing me or anyone else out however he had 3 of his 'usher goons' to assist him in carrying out his dirty work.

Overall this would not have been a big deal, but on that particular day it was devastating. You see that specific Saturday was the all day 'Planet of the Apes Film Festival', which we all desperately wanted to see but that little milksop Crenshaw ruined it for everyone. That was the very day I vowed to 'even the score' someday.

Now years later, I chance to be with my sister shopping at the Wal-Mart by my folks house, and she suddenly claims to have spotted Crenshaw just a few aisles over.

I quickly head over to where Sis had supposedly saw him in order to verify her claim and then found myself stealthfully standing behind a pillar in the house wares department spying on his every move.

I realized it was him right away even though twenty years had passed. His effeminate voice pierced the air as he ordered some 'minimum wage lackey' around in the same arrogant manner as he did with those ushers at the theatre all those years ago.

"Look at him" I sneered bitterly, turning to my sister. "Strutting around the store in his fancy blue smock with that pen and clipboard. Who the Hell does he think he is anyway?"

Sis looked at me for a second shaking her head. Finally she spoke.

"I think he believes he is the Manager since that is exactly what the tag on his vest says. He is just giving direction to a staff member, what is wrong with that?"

"He will see what is wrong with that soon enough." I responded with an evil laugh. "I am Vengeance and payback will soon be mine!"

"Ok, Vengeance" Sis responded mockingly. "Perhaps you can at least help carry all these parcels to the car for me. I am sure you can get even with your little childhood enemy later."

With that she thrust a number of her stupid bags & packages at me, loading me down like an old pack mule.

Obviously my sister didn't realize how traumatic missing a 'Planet of the Apes Film Festival' was to a young boy. This is not entirely surprising since she has never been the sharpest knife in the drawer. Instead of trying to explain it to her and rationalize my feelings, I figured I would just float out a couple of ideas I had for my payback as we walked towards my car.

Dr. Zaius
Planet of the Apes

"Maybe I can convince John to loan me his taser and I can shoot that goof Crenshaw in the middle of the store." I speculated aloud, smiling broadly as I pictured the scenario.

"That would be pretty damn funny." I continued. "Him shaking and wheezing in the middle of the lingerie aisle rolling around on the floor. That would be priceless."

"Isn't John your cop friend who is up for a promotion?" Sis replied dryly, clearly not even giving my idea a chance to set in. "Do you honestly believe he is going to lend you his taser gun to further some petty feud and get both of you arrested and him undoubtedly fired?"

Although I didn't care for the dismissive tone coming from my sister, I did have to admit she was probably right. John unquestionably would not go for that plan being that he is actually paid to uphold the law.

Nonetheless, I fortunately still had many other good ideas to fall back on.

"Maybe I should just wreck his car in the parking lot with my aluminium bat." I mused. "Wouldn't that be great to see the expression on his rodent-like face when he came out to the car after his shift to see it in a twisted pile of rubble?"

Once again Sis played the killjoy by advising me that a Wal-Mart parking lot is always extremely busy and my idea was completely stupid as I would be caught immediately with all the people that are milling about.

As I was driving her home, I began to get somewhat annoyed with my sisters negative remarks & responded "Well it is easy to shoot down all my ideas, but I haven't heard you come up with even one suggestion yet."

"That's because you're obviously insane and have way too much time on your hands." Sis shot back sarcastically. "But if I must indulge your madness, how about this one.

You could get him fired by making up lies and start a letter writing & comment card campaign sending complaints and accusations about him to his regional managers."

At that moment I realized once again why I never ask my sister for her opinion on any matter - she is truly an idiot! That was the most lame suggestion I had ever heard. Completely useless.

Thankfully we had finally arrived at her house and I didn't have to go into detail as to why her idea was so ridiculous. I merely took a deep breath and responded calmly.

"Well" I began. "That's not exactly what I was looking for since revenge usually doesn't involve a letter writing campaign and then waiting patiently 6-8 weeks for some kind of result which may or may not occur. But thank you for your input!"

With that I quickly helped her with her packages into the house and left, in order to give further thoughts to my plans.

As I was finally heading home after dropping off that 'boat anchor' of a sister, the most excellent idea popped into my head. It was brilliant in its simplicity.

I could dress up like an ape, perhaps even like the infamous Dr. Zaius, and beat Crenshaw mercilessly in the middle of the store. The sheer irony of the situation would be fantastic.

I can see it now, as I am reigning blows down upon his pin like head, he is yelping in pain screaming 'Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!'

Yes, this is perfect!

But now suddenly in thinking it entirely through, all of this really seems to involve a lot of work. I am now not so sure if I would be very good with this revenge business.

You see, revenge takes up a lot of ones leisure time. Revenge likes to get up early, I enjoy sleeping in. Revenge requires detailed & time consuming planning, I like to play things by ear. Revenge requires dedication, focus and follow-up. Those kind of things really aren't compatible with me.

No, I don't think this revenge thing is for me at all. Much too much effort for me to bother. Revenge is a full time job and one I am far too lazy to apply for.

Nope I think that upon reflection I will continue to lull Crenshaw into a false sense of security and wait till perhaps someday in another 20 years or so when he finally lowers his guard and least expects it, vengeance will be mine!

Yeah, I know. I have issues.

Then I suddenly had undoubtedly my best idea of the entire day.

"I could really use a drink" I thought, as I quickly turned my car in the direction of the pub.


Chris said...

Hilarious post! Poor Crenshaw....he won't even know what hit him.....because in another 20 years, he'll be senile!

You know what is the best for dudes like that? Life. It's the perfect revenge because they are miserable.

Have a great weekend!
My Blog

Post a Comment