I Can't Drive 55

It was rather early on Friday morning, just around 8:30 and I was sitting at the kitchen table in my new apartment, sipping on a coffee with my buddy John, who is a police officer here in Calgary, along with his new partner Karen, who he is both supervising & training.

They had just finished their work shift and Karen was dropping off John at my place so he could change from his uniform into 'real people's' clothes and then we were going to go off to the gym.

I had never met Karen before and, despite wearing a cops uniform, she was actually quite attractive. She is a recent graduate to the police force and is now being partnered with John, being as he is a senior officer.

I was slowly working around to asking Karen out for a date later on this weekend, when suddenly there was a loud pounding on my front door which is a very unusual occurrence at 8:30 in the morning or any other time for that matter, as I do in fact have a doorbell.

Jumping up, I quickly opened the door to find my father and his elderly demonic dog Charlie standing there, both looking in a rather agitated state.

"Glad to see you're finally awake this late in the day." Dad spat as he pushed past me, pulling Charlie through my front hallway and then directly into the kitchen.

"Good Morning to you too, Dad" I responded cheerfully behind him, trying to ignore the foul greeting I had just received. "What brings you by this early on a Friday?"

Dad remained silent for a moment and opened up my kitchen cupboard, took out one of my large soup bowls and filled it up with water. He then proceeded to place it on the ground in front of that filthy smelly animal Charlie, who began greedily lapping it up loudly.

"Hey! What are you doing Dad?" I quickly blurted out. "That's one of my good soup bowls, don't give it to that vile animal. I'll have to throw it out."

"Shut up, boy" Dad replied sternly. "I'll have none of your nonsense this morning, Charlie here is very shaken up as we were both nearly just killed. We came over here to calm down a bit and call the police."

Dad then turned around and finally noticed both Karen and John sitting at the table, listening intently to this entire conversation. Dad stared at them for a moment.

"You aren't still having some drinking party from last night, are you?" Dad asked turning towards me. "Because if you are drunk right now, I'll have no time for you!"

"Don't be ridiculous, Dad" I interrupted, before he could continue. "Karen and John just arrived and we are having a coffee before me and John go play racquetball down at the gym."

John stood up looking directly at Dad & announced "You better have a seat here Simon and tell us all about what happened. This is my partner Constable Karen Collins."

Dad walked over to the table and shook Karen's hand and sat down. Looking first at her and then over at John.

"Well this is quite convenient having two police officers right here, it will save me a telephone call." Dad began, sounding somewhat more relieved then before.

"Are you sure you are a real cop?" he then rudely asked Karen. "The reason I ask is that 'in my day' we didn't see too many women constables. The cops I am accustomed to are usually all men and also usually both mean and Irish."

I looked down at the floor in complete embarrassment, however Karen did not seemed fazed in the least by Dad's bizarre and outdated comment.

"Well Sir" Karen replied carefully. "I just graduated from the Academy second in my class, last month and am now a fully trained first class constable. Let me assure you that I am completely qualified and also, if this helps, I am also of Irish decent."

I could see John smiling at the very thorough answer his trainee had just given to my father's somewhat insensitive question. But then he interjected.

"Now Simon" John asked quite seriously. "Please tell us what has happened. Constable Collins here will take down the details. Although we are both off duty we can still take the statement and call it in."

"Well" Dad began slowly. "Old Charlie and myself were just going out for our morning stroll and since it is such a beautiful morning we decided to go walking a new route. Well as we got just up here by the corner, we decided to cross over 17th avenue using the crosswalk. That's a very busy street to cross at the best of times, you know."

"So then what happened, Dad?" I asked, hoping to hurry his narrative along and get his long drawn out story over sometime today.

"I'm getting there, boy" Dad responded sounding rather annoyed once again. "So anyway, as we were half way through the intersection I noticed a blue car speeding towards us with no intentions of stopping or even slowing down. Charlie was on his leash about 6 feet ahead of me and I quickly pulled him back as the car whizzed through the intersection without a care in the world. Old Charlie could have been killed."

"As this car sped by me" Dad continued. "I looked at the driver, who looked to be some young punk, and he was eating a bowl of cereal as he was driving his car and didn't even see us. Can you believe such a thing, a guy driving a car and eating a bowl of cereal at the same time? Could have killed us both and would never have even noticed. He needs to be stopped and his license taken away for life.

We all kind of looked around for a moment, taking the story all in. Both John and Karen had the same expression-less look on their faces however I, for whatever reason, found this story to be quite amusing. Hilarious actually ! I immediately turned around so Dad could not see my ear-to-ear grin.

"Did you get a chance to see the license plate or vehicle type, Sir?" Karen asked as she was still filling out the report.

"Unfortunately not" Dad responded. "I was so concerned with pulling old Charlie out of harms way, I really could not tell you much more, other than the car was blue & speeding towards downtown and the young punk driving it was eating a bowl of cereal and not paying attention whatsoever. It is disgraceful."

As I heard that last line I couldn't control myself any longer and had to make one of my always-witty observations.

"You know" I began. "Had he run Charlie over, the driver would have been considered a serial killer! HAHAHA!! Get it, cereal and serial !! HAHA!!"

I began to laugh hysterically as both John and Karen appeared to now have smiles on their faces. Unfortunately Dad did not find this comment amusing in the least.

"What the Hell are you talking about, boy?" Dad chastised, as he turned around in his chair to face me. "You seem to have no sense at all about such serious matters, it is no wonder you still are single, no one wants a damn fool for a boyfriend or husband. Talking such nonsense when a serious crime has just been committed."

John could tell my Dad was in a very irritable mood, one even more so then normal, so he attempted to calm the situation down by focusing on the next steps in the process.

"Well Simon" John advised my Dad. "We will put in the report however it is rather unlikely anything will come of this as we would require a full description of the vehicle to even have a starting point. Unless we can catch this driver in the act, there is little we can do. Reckless driving and driving with undue care and attention is unfortunately very common these days."

Dad seemed to reluctantly accept this conclusion however he still demanded action of some kind be taken.

"Well you will at least follow up on the information I gave you?" Dad replied. "Remember he is still out there driving crazy."

I once again could not resist and added the comment "Plus perhaps he was not full & decided to have a second bowl, he may still be driving around. HAHAHA"

Dad once again glared at me but thankfully said nothing this time. All he did was make a heavy sigh and thank both John and Karen for their help, 'as little as that was', or so he put it.

Dad then went into one of his famous diatribes about the legal system and policing in general.

"You know crimes of this type would not be happening so frequently if you police would crack down more on the less serious petty crimes." Dad advised. "You can bet a guy who gets in trouble with the petty crimes will be less likely to try anything more serious. Nip it in the bud early, I say."

Karen, sensing that my father had lost all faith in law enforcement, tried to cheer Dad up by advising him that she was on her way back downtown to the Police garage to return the vehicle and would keep her eyes open for anything suspicious.

She then kindly offered to drive both Dad and Charlie back home being as they have had a 'difficult morning' as she so delicately worded it.

Dad appeared to be slowly returning to his regular spirits though, and unfortunately responded in the usual gruff & thankless manner we all expect from him.

"They let you drive the car unsupervised, eh?" Dad questioned, looking rather surprised at the thought. "Things have certainly changed from 'my day'."

"Yes, sir." Karen replied calmly. "They let me drive almost all the time right now, but to reassure you, operating a police vehicle is also part of our formal training."

"Well" Dad replied. "No offence young lady, however I rarely even let my wife drive and we've been married well over fifty years. And Old Charlie here has already been traumatized enough for one day."

Karen seemed to take no offence to his statement however I realized that this would not be a good time to ask her out for a date, being as my father had continually ridiculed her since he arrived with his antiquated statements. No, I thought it best to perhaps wait till a better opportunity presents itself to ask this attractive girl out, so we said goodbye to her shortly afterwards.

"Well then" Dad announced as we closed the door behind Karen. "It looks like you have the honours in driving me and poor old Charlie home. We are both in no shape to walk back after almost being killed.

After we changed and were heading towards my car in the basement, Dad suddenly began his list of 'demands' for his short drive home.

"OK, Boy" Dad began. "I want you to make sure you drive with care and no speeding on the way home. I know you have a tendency to have a 'lead foot' however I think we've seen enough of that nonsense today all ready."

John started to snicker as Dad turned around to him and announced "And as for you John, just because you are my boys good friend and a passenger in the car doesn't mean you cannot order him to pull over and issue him a ticket if he is driving reckless. Remember you still are a police officer."

Both John and I were laughing out loud now as Dad continued his list of crazed stipulations.

"And make sure that air conditioning in your car isn't blasting away as it usually is. Charlie here just got over a cold and the last thing he needs is to catch a chill. And another thing....."


Anonymous said...

What an absolute hoot! Just think - in 30 years, you'll be just like him!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious, but be warned we eventually turn into our parents so one day you might be like that.

Anonymous said...

This is a hilarious blog i love it

Anonymous said...

As always man, love your stories!
Tell us what shes like if you get around to asking her out =P hahaha

Daisy said...

Ha! This is fun to read. I remember somebody told me before if you wanna know how you'd look like when you grow old, look at your parents!

Btw thats a great idea about the site profanity note you have. Would you think it also works for google crawlers? Ha! Mine's loaded with "unpleasant things".

Anonymous said...

Dude, once again you have left me speechless and laughing my face off.

Brilliant, keep it up!


LJP said...

Well, look on the bright side... she's already met your Dad!

Marilyn said...

I'm thinking you should have asked her out before your dad walked in.

I visited Canucklehead.ca and read about a little guy's first day of school.

*lynne* said...

bwahahaaa I love this tale :) any luck with the lady cop since this day? :)

[dropping by via entrecard, btw] *lynne*

*lynne* said...

ummm, me again, officially entering your contest :) visited Canucklehead.ca, and was amused by Canucklehead Jr.'s first day of school :)

*lynne* said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Leslie said...

haha! thats funny. Sounds like my dad & your witty comments sounds like something I*d say. lol Good luck with Karen! :P

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