I Kissed a Girl

It was not meant to happen this way. You try to picture and plan things out in your mind how things may go and this scenario was never considered, not even once. Damn!

It was Saturday morning and I had just awoke late, it was already 9:30 and the minute I opened my bloodshot eyes I immediately realized I had definitely made a couple of mistakes the evening before including drinking way too many Tequila Gold shots (with lemon & salt, of course!).

This was not the biggest problem though; the real issue was that I did not wake up alone this morning. I awoke along side of Constable Karen Collins after a very long and passionate night.

The problem here was that Karen was both the partner & the trainee of my best friend John, and she was still in the middle of her evaluation process for the Calgary Police Service.

The one & only thing John had asked from me was "Please just leave her alone for now, so as she can remain focused and concentrated on the training and the work."

Just until his one month ride-along training period was over with her. After that he honestly didn't care what I did and as he put it "fill your boots".

Trouble was, I didn't wait those four weeks he had requested. Hell, I didn't even bother to wait 2 weeks.

He also warned me "She is going to be one of those clingy girls that demands all your time and attention. You will end up hating her. Plus more importantly, I need her focused during our training, she has my back and I need to be sure there are no distractions of any kind going on."

But then I called her up last night and invited her out for a few beverages. Well as things go, one thing led to another and so on and we ended up at my apartment after quite a number of drinks.

In fairness to me though, personally I blame the smooth sweet flowing Tequila Gold - it can definitely be a good & refreshing drinking buddy however it can apparently also be a very problematic & trouble-making enemy if not treated with the correct respect and moderation.

I remembered the respect part however I kinda forgot the part about moderation. Who would have expected such treachery from such a great trusted drink that wears a little sombrero as a bottle cap?

So now I had two regrets. First starting up something with Karen that I knew would go absolutely nowhere and second, going back on my word with my best friend. Damn it!

So having said that, my new worries in life are:
  • John will probably kick my ass once I tell them what happened between Karen and me
  • Karen will probably kick my ass if I don't continue to see her as she has had formal martial arts training
  • I definitely need a kick in the ass for screwing up....obviously with all of these people
Of course if nobody found out about our 'evening together', there would be 'no harm - no foul' however I quickly realized I needed to get this off my chest and be upfront with John. Stupid conscience!

'Bros before Ho's', as the saying goes. Anyway it was just a fling, a one quick one-nighter...well er, not quick per say....but definitely only a one nighter.

When I arrived at the pub, I found John sitting at our usual table along with his regular partner from work, Tim. I had not expected Tim to be here this evening, this would make my task somewhat more difficult, but I figured I needed to continue.

I began slowly. "So John, do you remember your trainee, Karen?"

John looked at me very strangely and quickly responded "WTF are you talking about 'Do I remember Karen?' Of course I remember her, I was just on shift with her on Friday, you know that, you idiot."

This was going to be a bit harder than I thought so I quickly bought a round for the three of us nervously muttering "my treat".

Rita, our waitress, placed three Guinness down on the table in front of us as I nervously took a gulp and was about to begin.

Tim then chimed in and advised "Karen is actually my sister-in-law, the wife's' youngest sister. She lived with us for awhile. Sweet kid. She is sort of like a daughter to me."

After hearing this line, I immediately froze in my seat and began to re-think this confession business I was here for.

I don't know Tim too well although I am sure he is some steroid freak since he is way too bloody huge compared to a normal person. I am going to die...beaten to a bloodied pulp by two angry cops.

I pictured the headlines in tomorrow's newspaper "Man beaten mercilessly by two drunken off-duty Police Officers."

After as much stalling as I could get away with, I quickly took one more gulp of Guinness and finally blurted out what I had come to say; that I had spent the night with Karen.

John just stared at me for a moment, his face turned into a twisted scowl. "You mean you 'did her' even after I begged you not too. Man, I don't believe you. What kind of a friend are you?"

I looked over at Tim and his face looked entirely full of rage. All he said was "You touched little Karen? Our little Karen?"

I continued my full disclosure ending with saying I had no intentions of seeing her again and apologizing profusely (for like the 4th time) to both of them.

We had a very long minute of cold and tense quiet where no one spoke a word. They both sat in silence, there eyes drilling holes through me. I only hoped the end would be painless.

Then suddenly their expressions changed, and both John and Tim broke out in hysterical laughter for the next full minute at least. Tears of laughter were rolling from their eyes.

Finally John was able to control himself from the laughter long enough to begin an explanation.

"Karen actually called me this morning, just after you telephoned." John began. "She told me the entire story. You've heard the phrase that 'the police is a brotherhood', well it's true and as she put it 'Bros before Ho's'!"

"She said it was a huge mistake and it would never happen again. It meant absolutely nothing to her and to quote her 'honestly, it wasn't even very good'."

As he spoke the last line, he began to laugh once again unable to control his loud and public mockery of me.

"Damn" Tim laughed aloud, "I've never even met Karen, but when John told me earlier to go along with this joke, I couldn't resist. And man, to see your face just now, it was really worth it. I hope you liked our gag.....HAHA"

John broke in adding "Oh yeah, by the way I finished my ride-alongs with Karen on Friday as well, she's your problem now!"

I looked around not knowing how to react to this so-called very poor 'practical joke'.

Then a thought came over me. How degrading. Who speaks or even thinks like that? What a horrible girl and a big liar this Karen is. Nasty, just nasty! Probably just trying to save face, the delusional girl...and what kind of phrase is that for a girl to use 'Bros before Ho's'? Whole thing is bloody disgusting!

Rita then walked by and I quickly ordered yet another round of drinks, not knowing if I was relieved, happy, angry, disgusted or what to be at the situation.....it was kinda hard to tell being that the guys were still laughing so hard.


John Finn said...

One word: brilliant.

*lynne* said...

lmao! thanks for sharing your, umm, pain? shame? :D all other stuff notwithstanding - it was a great practical joke :)

Grandy said...

Have you ever heard the song, "Tequila makes her clothes come off?"

Methinks you would appreciate it. ;)

Sandee said...

Loved the joke they played on you. You had that one coming. Bwhahahahaha. Karen must have deflated your ego a bit as well. Excellent, funny post. Have a great day. :)

Unknown said...

Oh that was sooo good. I have to say sugar, you deserved that one. Now let me wipe my keyboard off.

Anonymous said...
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Tony W said...

You may need some work on your bedroom skills .... LOL

ABlogDead said...

Love it.
Honest and funny. A bit like a Tucker Max story...have read any Bukowski? you might enjoy his stuff.

Anonymous said...

You know, out of courtesy, I would leave out the poor girls' personal details! The least you could do.

Thanks, on behalf of women that have woken up in the wrong place everywhere... ;-)

Anonymous said...

hahahah great stuff man!! thats funny as hell! maybe not to you..but yea hahaha

I thought your mate said she was going to be clinggy LOL

Anonymous said...

"Who would have expected such treachery from such a great trusted drink that wears a little sombrero as a bottle cap?"

I bet you're also trusting of cocktails with little umbrellas and lemon slices. Sure, they're cute and attractive but they ultimately ruin your credibility.

Which is why I drink beer and rail hookers.

Anonymous said...

OMG! Hilarious! The situations you get yourself into just amaze me. So, so funny!

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