I had only been back in town from my trip for a couple of hours when I received a call from the dullest man in the world Doug, my brother-in-law, who insisted that he come over and see me right away on a matter of 'extreme importance' or so he worded it.

As a rule I would I would have just told him out right to 'Get Lost' however being as I was just sitting around the apartment doing two weeks of laundry and having a few drinks, I figured 'why not', perhaps I may even be entertained a little, although probably unlikely.

Just to be safe however, and not wanting to be bored out of my mind for the rest of the evening being stuck with this guy, I told Doug I had plans in about an hour so if he needed to see me he would have to do it right now, which he agreed to. I quickly poured myself another huge rum and coke and prepared for his immediate arrival.

A very nervous and distressed looking Doug arrived at my door around ten minutes later, thanking me repeatedly for 'seeing him on such short notice'.
(I found that to be a very odd statement for him to make, as this would be something one would say to a doctor or someone similar and certainly not to a family member. However being that it was coming from Doug, I ignored this as he is a very odd individual with very poor social skills. I mean, of course he is odd - he did marry my stupid sister!)

Being the excellent host that I am, I showed Doug inside and then offered him a drink, kindly suggesting either a rum and coke or a beer. His response was rather unexpected.

In a rather startling high-pitched whine combined with a horrified look on his face, he replied 'No! That's exactly what got me in all this trouble to begin with!'

Before he began his story he made me swear that I would not repeat it to another soul. After only half-heartedly agreeing to his bizarre request, he then began his narrative as to why he was at my apartment in such a state.

"It happened only five days ago." Doug began, as he fidgeted nervously in the chair. "Our plumbing company won a huge million dollar contract for a project just out of town and the boss shut down the whole place for the afternoon and insisted we all go out for a few drinks to celebrate."

I was already beginning to doze off a bit as I was half expecting to hear some horrible "Plumbers Gone Wild" story. Thankfully his story did not go down that intolerable & soporific road today.

"So we were at the lounge just over by our offices." Doug continued. "And first the manager bought us all a round of drinks and then the owner came over and continued buying for the entire afternoon."

"After a couple of drinks I realized it was getting late & time to get home for dinner. On my way home I must have been driving erratically as I was pulled over by the police and was charged with impaired driving. They towed the plumbing van and I am now in really big trouble."

"You, impaired driving?" I responded, almost not believing what I had just heard. "You are like the most straight-laced guy out there, how many drinks did you have to get so completely wasted and drunk that you got pulled over?"

"Three" Doug responded, holding up three fingers as he spoke. "Just three of those Pina Colada drinks. And man, they went down real well and I wasn't feeling any pain. But I should have known not to get that crazy."

I turned away quickly so as to not laugh directly into poor Doug's face as I found it just too funny that this guy had only 3 drinks - and 'lady drinks 'at that, and got both drunk and then charged with impaired driving. This was hilarious - well not for him, but certainly for me.

"So why did you need to see me?" I asked, finally controlling myself as to not laugh any further.

"Well" Doug replied rather sheepishly. "I know you are good friends with John the cop and was hoping you could talk to him and see if he could cancel the ticket."

"No, that's not possible" I quickly responded, immediately dismissing the suggestion. "John would never do that as he has a no tolerance rule for drunk driving. Anyway, these tickets are all electronic these days and are submitted as soon as they are issued. No Dougie, you are stuck. No easy way out of this one."

Doug looked completely devastated by my response, which for some unknown reason, seemed to make me feel quite pleased about things. I needed to say more on the matter I felt, really for no other purpose than to entertain myself and distress Doug even further, if this was even possible.

"Drinking & driving is very serious, Doug." I began, as I climbed up on my soapbox. "It can cause all kinds of terrible results for both the driver as well as his passengers and innocent people. You are actually very lucky to have only gotten an impaired out of the deal. Had you driven further, who knows what kind of carnage you could have caused in your extreme drunken state. It is shocking just to think about."

Doug just sat there in silence looking quite pathetic as I continued on with my speech.

"You see Doug, your problem is that you rarely drink." I observed. "It is like a guy who never runs and then suddenly he has to compete in a marathon. He can't do it. He will be coughing and wheezing the whole way and eventually collapse."

"It's the same with booze. If you have a couple of drinks each day you would have built up a tolerance and 3 drinks would have been nothing for you. But your dirty tea-totalling ways has now brought this horrific problem on to you. No, there is no one to blame here but yourself, from what I can see."

Doug seemed to shrink down in the chair as I spoke these words. His face was twitching extremely nervously. Then suddenly I knew what to say to really get to him.

"So, Doug" I asked, lowering my voice for dramatic effect. "What did Sis say about this little 'impaired' of yours?"

The mere mention of my sister was enough to make him suddenly bolt up rigidly in the chair with his eyes bulging wildly.

"No, No....I, I haven't told her" Doug responded, stumbling over his words. "I was hoping you could help me today so I wouldn't have to tell her. I just can't, she will flip out."

"But I know she suspects something is up" Doug continued. "She is a highly intelligent woman and will figure it out for sure, I can just feel it."

I needed to excuse myself from the room in order to control my laughter, mentioning Sis and the term 'highly intelligent' in the same sentence. This whole situation was all just too funny! HAHA!!!

I finally composed myself once again and returned to the living room and tried to keep a straight-face as I continued on.

"No, I think you need to tell Sis right away." I advised. "She is a compassionate and understanding woman who will appreciate your honesty."

"Do you really think so?" Doug asked, his voice sounding rather relieved and almost even optimistic for the first time this evening.

"I am convinced of it." I responded firmly, trying not to burst out laughing. "Honesty is always the best policy in these matters. And as my own mother says 'A problem shared is a problem halved' and you can both solve it together."

Doug became almost giddy and began thanking me profusely. I told him he should not waste another second here and get home and tell Sis immediately.

"I'd love to drive you home." I lied, looking him directly in the eye. "Maybe another time. You can catch the bus at the end of the street here and then get the train from downtown to the very end of the south line and then transfer to another bus."

With that, I quickly closed the door behind Doug and poured myself another large drink, laughing hysterically at the entire situation. What an idiot!

Sunday afternoon rolled around and I headed over to my parents for the traditional weekly family dinner, one I had missed out on for the last couple of weeks as I had been away.

"Your sister, Doug and the kids will not be joining us this evening." Mom advised, sounding rather sad. "They got into a big fight on Friday night and still are not talking."

"Doug has gotten himself an impaired driving charge." Mom announced, a disgusted look upon her face. "So irresponsible for a married man with children. Your sister is furious with him for not only driving drunk but it happened nearly a week ago and he didn't mention a thing to her."

I kept my vow to Doug and pretended not to know anything about the situation.

"Really, that's shocking." was all I responded.

"What's even more shocking is what happened when he told your sister." Dad interjected, starting to chuckle as he spoke. "After he told her, she turned around and kicked him right squarely in the knackers!"

I burst out laughing at my Dad's statement and he soon joined in. I then looked over at Mom who was not smiling, not even a little. She just looked furious.

"Simon" Mom advised sternly, looking over at my father. "There is no need to go into graphic detail regarding their fight & using your slang. It is sufficient to just say they are fighting and leave it at that."

Finally both Dad and myself stopped laughing and there was silence in the room for a few moments.

"Impaired" Dad finally muttered aloud. "Poor old Doug won't be driving too much for awhile by the sounds of things."

"Knackers" I responded slowly. "Sounds like poor old Doug won't be walking too much for awhile either."

Mom just got up and left the room to the sounds of both my Dad's and my own uncontrolled laughter filling the room.


Raven said...

I'll be laughing over this story for a long time!

The Cheap-Arse Film Critic said...

This whole story sounds like a perv erted Jimmy Buffet song.

Anonymous said...

I always enjoy your stories about your family and find them quite entertaining. I must like them because I usually read the entire post instead of just scanning.

Julia said...

I am so glad someone somewhere, I don't even remember since I am getting early Alzheimer, recommended your blog. Love it. Your stories make me feel halfway normal. Don't go on business trips anymore though. You owe your readers better than that. ;)

Kevenj said...

Welcome back SD!

Anonymous said...

Ditto what Jude said re the making me feel half-way normal. Lol.

Sly Hoax said...

I always enjoy reading about your shenanigans!

Anonymous said...

What an awesome story and I love the way you write!

The Mind of a Mom said...

Oh my gosh that was funny! three girly drinks and Dougy may never be able to product any more kids! Se drinking can lead to bad things! LoL
I love that you were so compassionate that totally cracked me up!

Anonymous said...

you evil, evil man!!

I'd hate to be your brother in law!

but thanks for the chuckle :)

Paul Eilers said...

As the song says, "We all need somebody, to lean on."

But not if they are going to kick you in the knackers!

GagayMD said...

i really do not know why i love this blog..hahah! or maybe from the name itself,,and the rest!hahah!

happy blogging!


Unknown said...

nice one :)

anyways, can we exlink? :)

Deb DiSalvo said...

YOU are funny! I was laughing the whole way through, mainly because you say what I think! When you called your BIL stupid - I was rolling!

Daydream Believer said...

Thank you, enjoyed this a lot.

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The Tale Of A Bukidnon Lad
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Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Even for someone else who got a DUI on only three drinks!

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