Ain't Talkin' Bout Love

As irrational as it may sound, even though I am getting older in years, I still find it as difficult now to purchase condoms as I did many years ago when I was a teenager.

You all know what I'm taking about; johnnies, rubbers, prophylactics, sheaths, love socks, Willie warmers, Love gloves....(ok, I'm done) - but by whatever name you call it, I still find it a rather embarrassing venture whenever I need to buy these things.

I mean, I'd like to think that I am a responsible guy, so I buy them fairly regularly - I am just saying it is a little difficult to make the purchase. No idea why. It just is not an easy thing to do as the minute you take the package up to the counter, the sales clerk knows exactly what your future plans are, which I admit is far too personal for me.

So now when I buy these things, I always make it a point to go to a pharmacy or drug store which is no where close to my place and definitely no where even remotely close to my parents place. I mean, Damn, that has to be common sense to everyone.

Well this plan has worked relatively well for me up until last week when I went into this new drug store in the mall on the other end of town. I was actually in the mall shopping for a new suit when I realized it was also the perfect time to purchase another box of condoms.

Although I did not have any immediate plans for using these, it is always good to have them on hand in the event something comes 'up', so to speak. HAHA!!

Anyway, as I discretely grabbed the box off the shelf and hurried to the checkout counter, I suddenly realized the store had become rather busy with a large number of loud, giggling teenage girls and various other customers.

I really wanted to make a fast purchase and leave - for obvious reasons, but it definitely was not my lucky day as there was now a line-up at the counter.

A cold chill suddenly went down my spine as I heard my name being called and looked up and saw old Mrs. Cray waving at me from behind the counter. She apparently was the cashier here. Damn!

This was definitely not good as I had broke up with her daughter Leanne a couple years ago and had hoped I would never see the likes of any of that family again. I never had any feelings for Leanne, she had only been a temporary fling, as they call it. Just killing time at the time, was what it was. But really in the grand scheme of things, no harm done. And anyway, I think that whole family were all a bit unstable.

I honestly thought old Mrs. Cray would be in some nuthouse by now. She was going a bit funny years ago if I recall correctly. Leanne had told me that if her mother did not take her pills regularly, she would be prone to uncontrolled outbursts and outlandish remarks. I am not sure if it was true about the pills but I do know first hand she did have many embarrassing outbursts. I just prayed that today I would not be present to see another one.

I finally reached the front of the line and uneasily placed my box of condoms on the counter, hoping to make a hasty transaction and exit. Unfortunately this was not to be as crazy old Mrs. Cray seemed to want to have a little chat.

As the line behind me was beginning to grow longer, the old hag obliviously babbled on and on about her meaningless life as she painstakingly rang in my purchase. I politely nodded and smiled throughout the ordeal hoping this embarrassment would soon be over.

Then suddenly the group of teenage girls in the line behind me must have noticed what I was buying and started to snicker & comment about it and, as I turned around to look, I noticed there were two other people in line, all now apparently observing my private purchase.

As I was momentarily distracted, I heard old Mrs. Cray suddenly bellow out "These things are far, far too big for you. Let me find you something smaller - much smaller!"

I whirled around to see the old lady now walking away from behind the counter, my box of condoms in her hand. I couldn't believe it!

The girls in the line were now openly laughing out loud as I am sure my face must have turned ten shades of beet red. Even a distinguished looking businessman in the line was snickering at my horrific predicament.

I was now not only mad, I was enraged. Who the hell was this crazy old biddy to embarrass me with her blatant dirty lies - just because I dropped her daughter like a bad habit years ago?? Senile & vindictive old hag!

About a minute later (which seemed to me more like an hour, at least) the old lady finally returned.

"There you go" Mrs. Cray announced, handing me a bag. "I knew I saw some of those small bags sitting in the back. Sorry for the delay. And please say hello to your mother for me."

I then suddenly realized that the old woman was talking about the size of the bags she had at the counter and not my condoms. Now I felt a bit foolish for being so paranoid.

Actually, it was lucky for her that I had realized this misunderstanding before I began yelling at the old crone. I thought it best to leave the store before any more embarrassment & confusion on either side could occur.

"Thank you" I quickly responded; now slowly regaining my composure. "And say HI to Leanne for me."

The old woman unexpectedly stopped smiling and had a strange look in her eye. It seemed like her entire demeanour had suddenly changed.

"I certainly will NOT say hi to her from you." Mrs. Cray snarled, her face now twisted. "You broke my poor girls heart years ago and now you think you can just waltz back to her with your new box of prophylactics & suave manner trying to win her back. I don't think so! You've caused her enough damage. She is over you, has been for years, you filthy man! You leave her be! Call one of your hussies if you want to use those things!"

My jaw must have dropped to the floor as I had honestly not seen this unprovoked and complete insane verbal attack coming whatsoever. This woman was definitely mental.

I walked towards the exit of the store, shocked and now once again completely embarrassed, hearing the teenage girls continue cackling and laughing hysterically.

As I turned around, one suddenly yelled out 'WANKER' after me. Their laughter now erupted even louder than before.

I kept walking.

As I said earlier, I really hate buying condoms.


Tyler said...

I truthfully read the WHOLE thing and I thought that was freaking hilarious. Good job not blowing up on the old lady for being such a jerk to you and those teenage girls just need to grow up.

CAP News said...

Well done! Let's not overlook the fact that you took the time to either scan the box of condoms or go search for a picture. Either way earns bonus points.

Sheila Sultani said...

I wonder if Leanne knew she was only a temporary fling, just something to fill up your time - sorry to say it, but you kind of got what you deserved - and actually, that mom really got you good - you have to remember she was the one who had to get "Leanne" through her heartbreak.

I always buy my husbands condoms and I just through other things in the basket with it so it doesn't stand out so much.

Anji said...

You couldn't have made that one up. I'm sorry, it was so funny.

I know that my son and his friends used to go to the village pharmacy, buy a whole load and make water bombs with them. The lady and the pharmacy is so dumb she probably thinks that's what he does with them nowadays.

Lindsayanng said...

Anji, you might want to have your son tested for mental deficiancy. Using condoms as water bombs is a really stupidly expensive way to make a damn water balloon

Anji said...

Lindsayanng, not in France, condoms are really cheap (and good quality) and easily available, that way, hopefully, more people use them.

American Idiot said...

hahah. I know what you mean about the buying condoms anxiety, but I have never in my life had anything like that happen. I am sorry for your embarrassment, but it made me laugh pretty hard, so thanks for sharing it.

Darrell B. Nelson said...

I'm the opposite I'm damn proud when I buy a box of condoms.
You know I ask the sales girls for recommendations and ask if they have a fitting room and that kind of stuff.

Anne Lyken-Garner said...

You know, I don't believe you. YOu're making it all up.

Ann said...

Reading your post reminded me of a man that came into the grocery store where I was the manager. I was working the register and he came to the counter with a box of condoms and some candy bars. After handing him his change I gave him the customary "have a nice night" comment and was only glad that I didn't burst out laughing when I realized that the candy bars were probably to ensure that he

Gianetta said...

What a great story!

Bonehead said...

Excellent story! I'm guessing though that the crazy woman probably couldn't wait to get home and tell her daughter who she rang up at the store.

Lilize said...


i hope this story is real's too funny!!! old vindictive hag!

Mom said...

When I was a teenager, my boyfriend and I always bought our condoms in another town. I was terrified that my dad would hear through the rumor mill that we were buying condoms so we never bought them in our home town.

Now, as an adult, I haven't had to buy condoms in a few years. However, I will soon be buying them again - for my teenage son.


Even now, I feel like it will be somewhat uncomfortable to buy them.

You should also know - most of the time the cashier doesn't care what you buy. Unless you make a big deal about it, they hardly even notice.

Dinah said...

this really happened to you? so sorry but i laughed so hard :-)

BK said...

After reading what happened to you, it'll make buying condoms an even more frightening task for me. I never bought before up till now and the thought of needing to buy one is scaring me off already. I have the thought before that if I need to buy one, I have better go to somewhere far away from my home. But after what happened to you. I'm thinking twice now.

Sjeltur said...

See - this is why I never buy condoms....

Yep - just call me "the wanker"....

(just kidding)

Great story..... !!

Staci said...

I have two possible solutions for you. Mail order them in bulk, or find one of those Walmarts or grocery stores that have the self checkout lane. Sure you risk that the condoms get misdelivered by your mailman or the self checkout machine stops working, but it may be better than driving across town and still running into your ex's wacky mom.

juliet said...

i could not help but laugh trying to imagine what would have happened if you confronted her before realizing what she really meant ... lol

Sugar Daddy Dating said...

ahaha... your this is a great story and it is funny!

Unknown said...

Oh gosh your story cracked me up!! I had no idea men were *ever* uncomfortable buying condoms. I just assumed that it was a proclamation that they are actually getting laid -- kind of ego boosting *smiles*

ninni said...

when i was a little girl we use to make water balls with condoms.this days i am happy to see that we can find condoms cheap for buy or even free!!
I have no problem to ask for it in store or in pharmacy but its good when young's can find it for free in every coffee bar or even in school!
i like this post and i will re-post it on my blog!

L. Suppiah said...

No matter what. You are a great story teller! Love the narrating of your "ordeal". :P Maybe you can write something about Leanne? :P

A. S. Thomas said...

Real funny man! I'll start following you :P

apples said...

I started out wanting to say "sorry" in some way, but I have a feeling that if I read more of this blog I'd quickly stop feeling that way :)

I like it when there's a young guy behind the counter. He'll seem a little embarassed and I get to give him a little flirty look and meaningful smile while I hand over the money. Way better than old ladies with opinions on everything you buy!

- oh btw, that might not work so well for you guys :P

fitzevy said...

I know this is an older blog but I must add here the State of Maryland in its all seeing WISDOM has decided the deer population is way too much and something must be done! So they have decided to use birth control on the poor deer, at about $1000. a pop. Now I have heard the new Trojans fire and ice are pretty good, really have no first hand knowledge as yet. But seems to me for $1000. I might buy me some fire and ice and try to condonize them there deer and make me some BUCKS!

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