If I Could Turn Back Time

So this past Saturday I kindly volunteered to look after my sisters' kids since both her and her husband Doug, would be working.

I actually enjoy spending time with my 8 year old nephew Mikey and his three-year-old sister, Emma. We decided to make a day of it. First off to the zoo, then to an afternoon movie and finally out for a late lunch.

The kids, as usual, were really well behaved and we all had a really fantastic time. I honestly don't understand my sister when she is moaning & groaning about how hard it is to raise two children. Clearly she is just lazy, but that's a story best left for another time.

We were meant to meet Sis at the restaurant as she would be just finishing work and would pick up the kids there and then I would head off to the pub. A perfect end to an enjoyable day.

Just as the kids and myself were seated, I overheard these two women at the next table say out loud 'It was huge, I couldn't wait to get to the bedroom and mount it'.

"Blood disgusting!" I thought to myself. "Talking like that in a public family restaurant. People have absolutely no class these days."

I quickly gave these two 'trollops' a nasty look and immediately asked our hostess to sit us over by the window, which was far, far away from these filthy foul-mouthed, sex-crazed hags.

'Dirty Whores' I muttered under my breath in disgust as we all got comfortable in our new seats, well out of earshot.

About ten minutes later, just as the three of us ordered our meal, Sis arrived. She was looking rushed and dishevelled as usual and just ordered a cup of tea as she had already eaten.

"So no incidents today that I need to know about, I hope ?" She asked anxiously, her eyes darting around the room, then to me, then to the kids and then back to me again.

As per usual, I was astounded at my sister's stupidity - always thinking that every time I am out with the kids that either I somehow cause some kind of trouble or possibly even get involved in it.

She honestly just has completely no clue in life or anything.

"Of course there were no incidents. I am offended that you always ask such a ridiculous question." I replied sharply. "If you must know, we all had a fantastic day as we usually always do."

Just then Sis called over to the two hags I had spoke about earlier. Apparently she knew them from somewhere (which isn't surprising as she always has had creepy & undesirable friends). She then beckoned them over to join us.

They were apparently just finishing their coffee so they plopped themselves down, taking up almost the entire side of the booth - completely oblivious to the kids or me.

"I was just telling Kathy about us buying a really big screen TV for our bedroom - Finally after all these years." The larger of the two women babbled on. "I was really nervous that the TV was so huge that it would fall off the wall and crash into a thousand pieces. My husband Jim had to go out and buy some special wall brackets to mount the TV safely on the wall. But it is just great, I'm so happy."

'Hmmph' I thought silently to myself. That may explain her earlier statement but I still don't like either of these women. They looked nasty.

After another five minutes of completely meaningless conversation, the two finally waddled off and left the restaurant.

We began devouring our meal when suddenly Mikey stopped eating and looked over at Sis quizzically.

"Mommy" Mikey began. "What are 'Dirty Oars'?"

Sis quickly looked at Mikey with a frown. "What an odd question, Mikey. Well an 'oar' is something you would row a boat with - but wherever did you hear this expression?"

"That doesn't make any sense, Mommy." Mikey responded, sounding confused. "I heard Uncle call those two ladies 'Dirty Oars' earlier - but I don't know what it meant."

Sis was quiet for a moment, clearly trying to process all the information presented to her in the last few seconds in her extremely small and challenged mind.

"Well" Sis replied, looking at the kids. "Your Uncle says a lot of crazy things that don't make a lot of sense. Just forget about it and worry a little more about finishing your

"Actually" I began. "I didn't say oars I said Dirty...."

Before I could even finish my sentence, Sis suddenly interrupted me.

"I know exactly what you said, there's no need to repeat it. What is the matter with you anyway?" She demanded angrily, in a hushed tone. "Using words like that in front of the children. I should have known it - I did know it, you cannot be trusted to have a nice normal afternoon with the children. You always have to do or say something stupid to cause a problem of some kind."

"Hey" I responded. "I only called those two 'fat hags' that because I thought they were talking really dirty in front of the kids. Apparently, as it turns out, I seemed to have misunderstood their conversation a little however at the time, my intentions were good. Anyway the kids didn't really hear exactly what I said. No harm, no foul, I say!"

"So you thought THEY were talking inappropriately so YOU called them 'Dirty whores' in front of the children?" Sis questioned, once again lowering her angry voice so the kids would not hear. "I just need to make sure I understand how truly insane you actually are. You are becoming more and more like Dad everyday. Never listening to people properly and always jumping to crazy & irrational conclusions without just cause."

Comparing ME with our 'hot-headed' elderly father was hitting 'way below the belt', in my opinion. Completely inappropriate and definitely uncalled for - especially after I looked after the kids all afternoon. Ingrate!

I sat there fuming to myself quietly and not responding as my sister continued to publicly admonish me. I thought it best to remain silent only so she would tire out and hopefully shut up quicker. I hate public arguments.

Anyway, upon reflection, it could somehow appear that I may have possibly jumped to the wrong conclusion. But really no big deal. The kids will forget about it within minutes or even seconds. Actually they have probably have already forgotten about it completely. Young kids have the attention span of fruit flies.

Finally Sis calmed down and peace and quiet was once again thankfully restored at our table. We both agreed to not talk about it any further.

The waitress then returned to the table and was just clearing away our dishes when she jokingly said to the kids, " I hope you finished everything on your plates or there will be no dessert for you today - HAHA!"

Young Emma, who had been relatively quiet and well behaved throughout our lunch looked up directly at the waitress and suddenly yelled out at the top
of her lungs 'Dirty Oar'!

We all sat in total and complete stunned silence as the waitresses jaw dropped open in shock and Sis looked completely astonished at Emma's outburst.

I realized that this was probably a very good time for me to be leaving so I quickly jumped to my feet, said goodbye to the kids and headed for the exit.

I turned around and told Sis that I would pick up the bill on my way out.

I did not bother to hang around to hear her response. And by the look on her face, this was probably for the better.

"I hope you enjoyed your lunch with us today, sir?" the cashier asked as she handed me back my credit card.

"Yes, very much so!" I replied, desperately trying not to burst out in laughter before getting outside. "It was a really perfect lunch, I couldn't imagine it going any better!"

I really enjoy spending quality time with the kids!


The BoBo said...

Hilarious! Having a 3yr old and a 5 yr old and spending entire days with them on a frequent basis while the wife is at work - we too have had some very interesting days..and..for some reason the old lady always thinks I have a really hard day with them just as she does. I get the same silly questions from her. Can't say I've ever called anyone a dirty oar in front of my kids..but..they have learned other "choice" words. LOL. Great story.

Anji said...

You can always trust kids to use choice words at exactly the right(wrong) moment. Lovely story.

Leigh said...

That is hilarious! It's so funny the thing kids pick up when you least expect them to!

Angel said...

LOL.. Your sister must be planning ways to choke you :D

Plastic Mancunian said...

I think you deserved a telling off to be honest :0)

Thanks for making me cover my computer screen with tea (when Emma yelled "Dirty Oar"). Why do I always burst out laughing with a mouthful of liquid?

Great post!




thepsychobabble said...

eh, I'd probably be less than thrilled if my kids learned "dirty whores" from someone else. As a parent, it's *my* job to slip up and accidentally teach them stuff like that! lol

SmartShopIt said...

Maybe you should have said you were calling them "flirty bores" instead :0)

T. T. Douglas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
T. T. Douglas said...

Great story, mine are 6 and 3. Your story rang true to many experiences I have had, but don't be fooled...some kids have a pretty good attention span and the memory of an elephant. Dirty oars indeed!

Mark said...

Nice story, you have to admire Kids for their ability to always say the right thing.

Erik said...

Hilarious post. Reminds me of the time we were at a church luncheon and my littles brother dropped his fork. As he was about two, his annunciation was not the best. Unfortunately for my bewildered mother, he shouted out in exasperation when he dropped it, "Fock!".

The preacher's wife had a "talk" later that day with my mother about "appropriate" speech in public.

Don't know how that all ties together, but your story spurred my memory, so I thought I'd share.

Julia said...

thanks for cheering up my day - you can always count on kids to say something to drop you in it!

EuroYank - Virginia Hoge said...

So you are leaving. Cool. Another DRUNK bites the dust.

Blia said...

Too funny! It's amazing what kids choose to pick up. I have five kids and have been through it all, so don't feel too bad on your part ;-)

self defense Rob said...

That is hilarious.

I have found that when I slip in front of the kids, it is bad, but the kids don't repeat it.

When my wife slips, the words aren't as bad (like crap or hell), but this kids pick up on it.

When they use my "wife's words", I just look at her and say "They didn't learn that from me..."

enna said...

Great story, my five year old daughter is very good at eavesdropping. One day my sis and I were backbiting a cousin of ours who has an eating disorder.A week later the same cousin came visiting and we requested her to have 'lunch' with us. When she served her food, my daughter asked her, 'are you going to vomit after eating?' My cousin was shocked. When she asked Angie why she had made such a comment, Angie replied, 'mum and aunt Mercy said that when you eat you puke'...... oh my! we wished the floor would open up and swallow us!

Out Past 30 Lady said...

Dude! Your blog is hilarious! Cheers! http://outpast30.blogspot.com

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