Hit Me with Your Best Shot

It was Sunday afternoon and I had just arrived over at my folks place for dinner.

It seems now with everyone being so busy these days that Sunday is the only day to relax and catch up on all the news with my parents and is something I always look forward to doing each week. Plus my Mom's good cooking doesn't hurt either.

However as I entered the kitchen today, Mom turned around and gave me a rather nasty and hostile glance.

Mom was sitting at the kitchen table, talking with my sister. Sis, also shot me an angry look, continued her narrative as I sat down.

"He then aimed the ball directly at my head and threw it as hard as he could. That's why there's a huge welt there." She gasped, sounding like she had been unexpectedly shot by a sniper.

Before I could inquire as to what they were discussing, Sis looked over at me sneering. "I'm just telling Mom what happened at Dodgeball on Thursday night & what you did to me."

To give you a bit of history on all of this, due to my sister realizing she has an unhappy marriage, she is now looking for more outside activities to make her miserable life seem even somewhat bearable.

Unfortunately, one of these diversions seems to be joining the Dodgeball league that I have been involved in for the last couple of years.

"Damn it" I thought. 'What happens at Dodgeball should stay at Dodgeball - that's like the oath.' Why is this even be talked about publicly?"

I realized immediately I would be required to defend myself.

"He threw the ball at me as hard as he could. It still hurts 3 days later." Sis continued, then adding a few fake sniffles for full sympathetic effect.

"Nonsense!" I responded quickly. "I just simply threw the ball. There was no aim, no malice & no thought behind it whatsoever. I just threw the ball, end of story."

"So then why did you stop, look directly at me and then yell 'See ya in Hell, Byatch!' as you aimed & threw it." Sis responded, a look of contempt now on her face.

Now that I recall the situation, I do remember that event as being quite humorous. Sis was just standing there, her mouth hanging open like a cow grazing on the farmland. She was a huge target that needed to be hit and taught a lesson in DodgeBall. The only thing missing was a big bull's-eye painted on her big skull.

I don't really remember yelling at her but it is within the realm of possibility. But, in my own defence, it was during a game. Competition becomes heated. Things get said. That's sports.

Of course I could not let on any of that be known out loud now as she seemed to have Mom's attention and pity. Sis can be such a whiner.

As I think about it, she has always been a telltale & blabbermouth for years, even as a child. It would appear that time had not changed her demeanour whatsoever.

I really have no idea why she even bothers to try & get me in trouble with Mom & Dad, we are now both adults. Of course I am obviously not scared of my elderly parents wrath, well not entirely.

Anyway, back to the Dodgeball - she was a target, huge & enormous. Could not help but hit her. And 'YES' I did feel pretty good about it afterwards. Still do, actually.

My pleasant thoughts of that evening were suddenly interrupted as Sis continued with her annoying whining.

"So why didn't you hit little Marissa, she was standing right beside me?" Sis moaned. "Is it because she is young, skinny & has a nice body? You were fawning over her all night. Everyone noticed it. It was so embarrassing."

Now Sis was beginning to make me mad. I mean who even uses that expression in this day & age - Fawning? No one, that's who!

Sis was obviously playing to the audience of Mom, who really was no longer listening too closely from what I was noticing.

"You are old & big, there was no way I could even miss you if I wanted to - Which, by the way, I didn't." I announced, only trying to defend myself.

"You are a year older than I am." Sis replied. "What are you even talking about?"

"Men age much more gracefully, it's a fact." I replied. "I mean, look at you - bloody disgusting, I say."

"But Marissa, well look at her, she is gorgeous. And she is hot, 'skinny-hot'. Sooo skinny-hot."

"What does that even mean?" Sis responded sounding more annoyed by the minute. "That's not even a real word or phrase."

Of course I had just made up the term 'skinny-hot', but it is kinda legit. It simply means, the girl is not a scrawny malnourished beanpole - that's not popular. She must have a good shape to her. Both good looking and also fit, which Marissa is. Anyway, guys make up phrases all the time. This one will catch on one day (mark my words!!). My sister is just so completely clueless.

"As I say, she is skinny-hot." Sooo skinny-hot. I repeated it once again, this time more to annoy my sister then for any other reason.

"I'm not even going to talk to you anymore - you are such an idiot." sis announced, now sounding completely disgusted.

"Why are you even talking about Dodgeball to Mom anyway?" I asked. "Everyone hates squealers. Don't you know that squealers in prison are usually shanked. I'm just sayin'."

Mom was now in and out of the room, no longer listening to any of our conversation.

"Ya know" I further observed. "Mom doesn't want to hear your nonsense & whining. No one does."

"Shut up, idiot!" Sis replied. "This isn't prison, I can say whatever I want!"

"I'm just trying to help you out." I responded arrogantly. "It's a life lesson - everyone hates a squealer."

Sis just sat there silently. I tried not to burst out laughing aloud at her low intelligence. I really love it how a grown-up adult & mother of two can suddenly mentally revert back to a 7-year-old child - within seconds. It is really quite hilarious.

Sis continued to look over at me without speaking. I then suddenly got a brilliant idea!

"Here's the deal" I began. "You seem to get along well with Marissa. Put in a good word with her about me & I'll give you an easy $5 bucks."

The look on my sister's face went from her traditional blank & clueless demeanour to somewhat of a semi-snarl.

"Get lost." she growled, her eyes narrowing. "What do you think I am, some kind of pimp. You are really a jerk. Unlike you, I do have some morals."

"Take it or leave it." I responded, now only trying to further agitate her.

"Ok" sis replied, after a few seconds of pondering. "But you give me $20 right now and I'll talk with Marissa next Thursday & put in a good word for you. I may even convince her to go out with you. But after that, you are on your own. That's all the help you get from me for $20."

"Seems my sisters so-called morals 'come and go' when it's convenient for her." I smiled silently to myself. Not wanting to jeopardize this new sweet deal, I did not voice that opinion.

"Deal" I finally yelled, tossing her a twenty-dollar bill before Sis could realize the foolish commitment she had just made. What a Classic Idiot!

'Sucker', I thought to myself, laughing. 'I would have paid at least $50 for this.'

A few weeks have now passed & there has been no further talk and obviously no date. In fact, Marissa has not even been at any of our Dodgeball games for the last 3 weeks.

Today, I overheard someone mention that Marissa had moved to Toronto. She had apparently been planning this move for months.

No way - Sis doesn't have the smarts to pull off such a scam, but then again, I now do appear to be out $20!

But then......nah....


Jen said...

I hate dodgeball and for some strange reason I am hating my brother right now.

Arwen said...

Well, I can't say that I don't blame her for scamming you. After all, you did hit her like a bullseye in dodgeball.

John said...

just want to say hi for 1st time visit :)

megaman said...

In prison you get shanked in dodge-ball league snitches get well hit in the head with a dodge-ball, serves her right for snitching..what happens at dodge-ball stays at dodge-ball.

Gary Anderson said...

When it comes to women, you will pay. You insult, you pay. That is how the world works, and why you are out 20 bucks. :)

Lisa said...

Siblings. Yeah, about that. Brother? OK. Sister? Not so much.

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