Don't Fear the Reaper

Only a few days after my folks had returned from their holiday and things were finally back to normal, my elderly father boastfully mentioned that he had just purchased a couple of cemetery plots for Mom & himself 'for a song', or so he phrased it.

This was no big deal in general as Dad is well known to always be on the lookout for a bargain, it is in his nature. But he seemed especially pleased with this specific transaction as he had got such a great deal he would continually be talking about it to anyone within earshot.

Anyway, as soon as Dad announced this, my over-temperamental sister began to freak out & was calling me almost every day being super emotional, sad and foolishly unrealistic.

Apparently, Sis is very uncomfortable with the idea of death in general and even more so when she realized that Dad had purchased these cemetery plots. Death was now far too close for her and that idiotic brain in her head really began panicking.

I must say her irrational behaviour about this situation did actually put a smile on my face. You see, ever since we were kids for some reason we both seem to take great satisfaction in the other persons misery. Not sure entirely why, but we are both still like that today. This just seemed to me to be especially amusing as we are both now grown-up adults and in fact, she is the mother of 2 young kids.

Anyway, that's pretty much the background to my entry for today. But things did actually get a little more interesting this past weekend when all of us were over at my parents' house for our regular Sunday dinner.

Sis, to my spiteful enjoyment, was still quite visibly upset about this stupid situation and confided in me just before dinner that she is now completely stressed out and can't stop thinking about it.

"I am so worried about Mom and Dad." Sis advised. "Why did Dad have to buy those horrible cemetery plots anyway? I just can't get it out of my head. It's so ghoulish. Maybe he bought them because they are sick and he knows something bad is going to happen. Just promise me you won't say anything to Dad about me being upset or us even talking about this. I don't want to hear any more talk about those horrible things."

"Of course, I promise. I won't say a word." I responded, reassuring my poor, unfortunate sister.

Just then Dad walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table across from us.

"Hey Dad!" I quickly exclaimed, turning to my father. "Sis is really upset about those cemetery plots you just bought. Personally, I think you got a great deal but Sis seems to be freaking out over the whole thing! She thinks this is a completely terrible idea."

"Excellent!" I thought to myself. "This is great. Now it's time for a little bit of 'sweet payback' to my sister for all the evil things she has done to 'poor me' in the past. This will teach her to NEVER cross me in the future - ever. Stupid Byatch! HAHA!"

With that little statement out of the way, I just leaned back in my chair to watch the fireworks begin. This would be good.

Sis had the look of a 'deer in the headlights' as Dad looked sharply over at her. She was about to swear at me for revealing her stupid conversation however thankfully, Mom announced dinner was served and the grandkids, Mikey and Emma, came running to the table.

As we were enjoying the meal & just as I had expected, Dad suddenly looked up and began to address the situation.

"Damn good deal, those plots." Dad began. "Great location, side by side plots and what's most important, I got them for a song. 'Old Teddy' down at the legion bought them 15 years ago for him and the wife and now he had to sell them off."

I could hear a small gasp coming from my sister. She looked like she was going to start to cry. This was all too funny. I needed to 'push the envelope' a little further to get things moving, so I thought I should get Dad to talk more on this wretched subject.

"So Dad." I asked, now pretending to be keenly interested. "Why is this friend of yours selling these prime location plots now?"

"Well, it's kind of an odd story." Dad responded. "What I heard was that Teddy's wife was 'fooling around' with some contractor that was at their home doing some remodelling work. Now she has run off to the coast with this bloody plumber who was fixing the drains in their bungalow. HAHA...he was fixing something more than just the drains, from what I heard..."

"Simon!" Mom suddenly interrupted. It's bad enough we have to hear you going on and on about these 'gruesome business dealings' between you and your sordid cronies, but please do not continue to indulge in idle gossip about peoples personal lives. Especially with your grandchildren at the dinner table."

Dad then realized the young kids were also listening to his story quite intently. Looking a little embarrassed, he quickly changed the conversation from the 'sex life of the elderly' back to his beloved cemetery plots dealings.

"Err, Where was I?" Dad replied. "Oh yes, so anyway poor old Teddy is moving back east to be closer to his daughter in Montreal and wanted to unload these plots at cost. It was a pretty sweet deal if you ask me. One I certainly knew would be snapped up if I didn't jump on it right away."

At that point I think Sis sort of realized that she had been foolishly worrying and upset over nothing. It was just 'Dad being Dad' and finding a good bargain as he is so known to do.

"Dad" Sis finally spoke, still sounding a little apprehensive about this entire topic. "So that's the whole story then? Mom & you aren't sick or anything. Everything's ok? These were just a bargain, that's all ?"

"HAHA" Dad chuckled. "We are both fine. Fit as a fiddles. Feeling better then ever these days after our little holiday. Although these plots are more than 'just a bargain' they are a real 'steal', got them for a song! I know a few of the old-timers down at the legion are kicking themselves over letting me swoop in and get this deal. Brilliant negotiating on my part, I must say."

The stress on Sis's face, seemed to lighten & disappear almost immediately. She now actually smiled for the first time this evening and undoubtedly for the first time in days.

"I am so relieved to hear that." Sis responded. "I have been really worried that something might be wrong."

"Well nothing to worry about at all." Dad replied, confidently. "Both your old mother and myself will be around a long time. No time for sickness or death for us, we're far too busy for that. This is nothing more then a great business deal & investment. End of story."

As dinner was winding down, Dad then remarked aloud "Teddy actually called me earlier this afternoon. Mentioned that he had also paid & preordered the caskets as well. Asked me if I was interested. I am going down there this Wednesday to see how they look & size them both up. Might just put in a 'lowball' offer, if it's a good fit!"

Suddenly my ten-year-old nephew Mikey interrupted the conversation sounded extremely excited.

"That is so cool, Grandpa." Mikey exclaimed. "Can I go down to the place with you and look at the caskets too?"

I quickly looked over at Sis and the stress on her face had returned. This time it appeared to be twice as bad as now both Dad and her young son are going to be talking about caskets, cemetery plots and death for the next foreseeable future.

"Please Mom, Please Mom" Mikey begged. "I want to see the caskets and try them all out with Grandpa. Can I go.....?"

This was all great entertainment for me. Certainly more then I expected over this foolish situation. My day now seemed all worthwhile!

Sis just got up and helped Mom clear the table. She definitely looked distressed at all of this 'death talk' once again.

Then to cap off the evening perfectly, just before I left Dad summed it all up best.

"We all have to go sometime, nothing lives forever." Dad advised. "I'm just planning ahead so as when I go I'll have a big smile on my face - knowing I saved big bucks laying there next to all of those suckers who paid full price!

Sis just shook her head as both Dad and Mikey sat back laughing aloud in unison.


Anji said...

I think that Mikey is coming along nicely with you and his grandpa to train him.

Catherine Lee, Canada said...

Yup, don't fear the reaper. If it is your time then it is your time. Also, there is nothing wrong in being prepared though... ;)

Ziva said...

You have a twisted mind.. And I love it! Hopefully that kid will grow up just as twisted, we need more good kids like him in the world.

Annette said...

Sounds just like my brother and me. Always antagonizing each other until we need something.

Unknown said...

I love reading your stories -thanks for sharing them!

fruey said...

While it sounded rather insensitive to just blurt out what you were told in confidence, it ended up being the best strategy.

Funny how people hide behind their true feelings and get themselves in a state, when being honest about feeling bad is the best policy.

Rather a brutal way of tackling it though :)


Ohhh I loved this story...when i got to mikey and the casket I had tears of laughter.

you have a wicked sense of humour :)

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