Crazy Talk

The last long weekend here was Good Friday & then Easter Sunday, usually a rather enjoyable holiday for me - however this year, definitely not so much.

Friday began OK and it was indeed 'Good Friday', a good Friday for drinking that is!  It had been quite awhile since I had gotten together with my friends as we all seem to be so busy lately with conflicting schedules.

We met up at the pub late Friday afternoon to indulge in a 'couple of beverages' and catch up on all of the news in one another’s lives......

Things were going along quite fine when suddenly, around 8 PM, I casually glanced over to the far end of the pub and spotted my annoying & stupid sister sitting at one of the tables chatting with some strange, goofy-looking guy in glasses.

Seeing my sister anywhere will usually kill the atmosphere however seeing her while I am drinking put an immediate damper on my evening.  First because she was in MY pub, the pub that I have been frequenting for years and second, because she has now 'being recently single' began dating once again.  Both reasons making me somewhat uneasy and definitely feeling a bit ill at the repulsive thought of my sister dating anyone.

Sis only began dating two weeks ago & according to Mom; she has gone out on just a couple of dates with this salesman Paul, from her work, undoubtedly some boring & socially inept loser.

I am sure this is the best Sis can do.  Her good years are well gone behind her.  Actually, what am I saying?  She never had any good years from what I recall and now, being a boring, unattractive & separated mother of two kids, this trend continues.  HAHA!!

Anyway my plan was to just ignore them in hopes that they would both just slither off & disappear, when suddenly my sister spotted me and I knew I had no choice but to go over.

As I got to their table I noticed that Sis was all 'gussied up' wearing a new dress and makeup.  It was actually quite disgusting.  The phrase "putting lipstick on a pig" immediately popped into my head, but being the refined gentleman that I am, I did not comment on her appearance but instead introduced myself to her 'friend'.

"So you must be Paul"  I announced, as I ended the weak & feeble handshake he had offered.  "I've heard a lot about you.  I hear you sell insurance."

Before this little "Dweeb" could respond, Sis rudely interjected in her nasally tone.

"No this is NOT Paul, this is John."  She advised, sounding surprisingly quite annoyed.  "He doesn't sell insurance, he manages the company.  The Sales Executives all report to him."

"Well we all have to do something, I suppose"  I responded laughingly, ignoring my sisters’ clearly unprovoked and bad mood.

After a couple minutes of nasty glances from Sis and completely meaningless & forgettable small talk, I thankfully returned to my table to continue my evening.  As I ordered the next Guinness I looked over and both Sis and John or Paul or Ringo or whatever the Hell he called himself, were gone.  Now I could enjoy myself in peace once again.

I didn't think much more of this uneventful happening until Sunday afternoon when I arrived over at my folks for Easter Dinner.

As I walked into the kitchen happily greeting everyone, I immediately noticed Mom was giving me a cold, nasty look.  Sis was also sitting there with a snarl upon her round stupid face.

"I am surprised you are sober enough to show up for dinner this evening."  Sis announced, looking at me with complete disdain.

"What the Hell are you talking about?"  I responded, surprised I would need to defend myself from her verbal attacks this early in the afternoon.

"Friday night is what I am talking about!"  Sis snapped back, her claws now out.  "Coming over 'stinking drunk' to my table and interrupting us.  And if that was not bad enough, you talked about me dating Paul right in front of John!  What is wrong with you anyway?"

I was kind of taken aback & stunned by my sisters' crazy accusations.  I honestly had no idea what she was talking about.  Before I could speak however, Sis continued her tirade.

"It was so embarrassing"  Sis continued, now looking over at Mom, playing for sympathy.  "He was staggering around drunk & slurring all his words.  We could barely understand him.  Then he started talking about Paul, who John didn't know I had been out with..."

I knew from experience that once Sis gets going on her foolish 'whines' she never shuts up, so I figured I would stop her dead in her tracks and end this nonsensical narrative of hers.

"Well John is a good name for him"  I began.  "Quite appropriate as I am sure he is probably some gay male escort you paid money for.  He sure looked like it! HAHA!"

I was quite pleased with my clever retort however I noticed that Mom was still giving me a cold and icy stare accompanied by her continued complete silence.  This definitely was not good.  I knew I needed to continue.

"And anyway, I have no idea who you are dating or when or even why."  I explained.  "If you want to 'tramp around' town at your age, all the power to you!"

"I've gone out on 2 dates in 15 years!"  Sis angrily screeched back at me.  "Have you forgotten I have been married for the past 12 years, so don't you dare call me a tramp, you drunk!"

Wow, things sure deteriorated & got ugly fast.  I had no idea my sister was so upset over me mistakenly calling one of her creepy dates by the wrong name. I am sure she has probably been 'stewing over it' for the past two days waiting to ambush me.  But to try & drag Mom into this petty issue and then call me a drunk was going way over the line.

"Drunk, I was no where even near drunk."  I responded in a calm tone.  "As with most things, you're completely wrong.  All I recall is politely taking time out of my busy evening, coming over & introducing myself and making a few sparkling anecdotes and then leaving. End of story!"

However as I said these words aloud, even though this all happened only 2 days ago, my memory was now somewhat hazy on Friday nights events.  From what I now remember, I was also dressed impeccably, wearing a top hat and tails during this encounter as I was making my witty observations to a clearly appreciative audience.  Hmmm, now that really doesn't seem entirely right.

The main problem with that recollection is that I don't own either a top hat nor tails and also I was in a pub.  Which kinda now makes me think that perhaps there must be a temporary 'bug' in my memory.  Oh well, I will need to figure that out later.    Nonetheless, the rest of my recollections were damn accurate, of that I am sure!

I kept these last thoughts private and was waiting for the next wave of attack from my sister when suddenly her two kids, Emma (5) and Mikey (10) who were playing in the front room, began fighting and Sis went out of the room to "set them straight."

Once Sis left the kitchen, Mom immediately spoke up.

"You really must be more patient with your sister."  Mom began, speaking in a soft tone.  "She is going through a very difficult time being single & raising the kids and now starting to date once again.  She is very over-emotional & needs all of our support."

"Yes, yes" I responded impatiently.  "I understand all of that but I will not tolerate her making these wild accusations and calling me a drunk."

"I understand your point"  Mom continued, her voice still calm.  "I will talk with her, just as I am talking with you now.  She knows she is being melodramatic these days.  I'm quite sure she already feels bad.  So lets not have another word about it this evening and have a nice Easter dinner, especially with the grandchildren being here."

Mom's logic, as usual, was solid.  I agreed immediately as I also wanted my niece & nephew, to enjoy Easter and the time with the family.  I knew they had both been involved in an Easter egg hunt earlier in the day and were still really excited about all the chocolate and fun they had indulged in.  Holidays are for kids, so I would do whatever I could to make it enjoyable.

With this in mind, I let the topic drop and just enjoyed the rest of the evening with the family.  Well actually, I only enjoyed it temporarily until mid-way through dinner, that is.

Mom was talking with young Emma and asking her if she had seen the Easter Bunny today & if she had found some hidden Easter eggs for the little basket she was carrying around.

Emma was giggling happily explaining she did find a couple of eggs but she really likes the Easter Bunny & wished he could come over as a guest for dinner tonight.

As everyone was laughing at little Emma's remarks, I blurted out "I'd love to have the Easter Bunny for dinner too!"

Emma was really happy when she heard my comment however I foolishly continued on by saying "Easter Bunny served on a bed of rice with barbeque sauce & fresh veggies.  A Delicious meal!  Mmmm, Yum Yum! HAHA!"

As Emma began crying at my stupid statement,  my Mom shot me a nasty glance & quickly began reassuring her that I was only making a bad joke and I would never dream of eating the Easter bunny.

I then looked over at Sis who was just shaking her head at me and muttering "What is wrong with you anyway?"

I left shortly afterwards, not wanting to be a part of any more of this dysfunctional Easter drama which I unknowingly seemed to be playing a starring role in.

In looking back at that unfortunate Sunday, I believe I learned a couple of facts that evening.

One, I am beginning to notice that all of the women in my family, no matter what age, seem rather high-strung & short-tempered.  And two, a five year old does not seem to have as good a sense of humour as one might expect.

Two stupid lessons.  One stupid holiday.


Grandma's Goulash said...

Irather hope that this is fiction. If certainly should scare anyone into sobriety.

Len J. said...

LMFAO. Keep drinking & writing

mannoy @webnatin said...

easter bunny for dinner and side dish for the beverages. LOL
I love that.

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